Monday, January 23, 2006
Sometimes, it is really easy to apologise to your friends, but not to your parents. Well, I dont know but it is like that for me.I am just so frustrated lahz. Why cant I snap out of it?? I am just so sick and tired with this kind of life! for goodness sake , I know everybody wants me to get out of it. I want it too, but I dont know how! I know I am very useless, I cant overcome such a small setback. Yeah, I know there are children younger than me who became orphans overnight in Aceh. I know I am useless enough , you dont have to remind me.
You know what are pampered brats?? I tell you what are pampered brats. Pampered brats grow up with a golden spoon in their mouths. They dont know how to do anything except to make others do whatever they want them to do.The greatest setbacks I think they will face is that they didnt get their way!
I know exactly what I am , all I ask is just some peace and quiet. I had enough.I am not pitiying myself.Because a scum like me deserves it well.
You know what are pampered brats?? I tell you what are pampered brats. Pampered brats grow up with a golden spoon in their mouths. They dont know how to do anything except to make others do whatever they want them to do.The greatest setbacks I think they will face is that they didnt get their way!
I know exactly what I am , all I ask is just some peace and quiet. I had enough.I am not pitiying myself.Because a scum like me deserves it well.
i know that i have loved you ... at 1/23/2006 10:51:00 pm
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
Thursday, January 19, 2006
I am bloggin cos I am unhappy, but not that kind of wanna die that kind.Watched this serial just now, this guy in this show is suffering from liver cancer, then for some reason, he dashed onto a road and was nearly knocked down by the truck. He fainted on the spot because his weak body cldnt take the shock. While he was still sleeping, he had this dream about seeing his loved ones crying at the sight of his dead body. When he woke up, he decided to do his best to survive because he didnt want to let his loved ones down.Sounds kinda like a fairy tale, in reality it isnt true.
I still have the scar from the recent quarrel. I guess I pressed too hard onto my wrist, so there is a thin strip of swollen red line. Sometimes, thats the fastest way to straighten out your thinking, but it realli hurts after you are thinking right.
I dont know whether I have straighten things out or it would happen again , but was wrong the next day.
I wanna clear something. I dont like to die, well I am pretty afraid to die,however it doesnt mean I am not afraid to live.I am worried that one day while walking on the road or in school, I will have this intense feeling of committing suicide. I dont wanna hear that blasted voice telling me how should I commit suicide or a vision of what u are usppose to do and the last thing I dont wanna see.That is during my precious sleep ,I see my own grave.
I still have the scar from the recent quarrel. I guess I pressed too hard onto my wrist, so there is a thin strip of swollen red line. Sometimes, thats the fastest way to straighten out your thinking, but it realli hurts after you are thinking right.
I dont know whether I have straighten things out or it would happen again , but was wrong the next day.
I wanna clear something. I dont like to die, well I am pretty afraid to die,however it doesnt mean I am not afraid to live.I am worried that one day while walking on the road or in school, I will have this intense feeling of committing suicide. I dont wanna hear that blasted voice telling me how should I commit suicide or a vision of what u are usppose to do and the last thing I dont wanna see.That is during my precious sleep ,I see my own grave.
i know that i have loved you ... at 1/19/2006 10:27:00 pm
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
Thursday, January 05, 2006
It was a terrible day today, I guess my days are always horrible.Counting this time, I have cried 4 times already! In less than 24 hrs! The emotions didnt come suddenly to me , you know.Someone triggered it.I AM NOT SUFFERING FROM PSYCHOLOGICAL PAIN!!!!I can tell the difference,it is not a fine line apart.You think I enjoy feeling pain all the time?You think I want to feel this pain all the time?No and a dozen times no! I dont enjoy the pain and I also dont like people pitying me!
I am like all others, I do fear feeling pain , but what can I do?It cant be psychological pain.This kind of pain didnt change the least bit since I was sec 2.I didnt remembered being very unhappy before I first started my back problem.No. I cant remember anything that happen when I was happy , it felt so much it was like one ortwo decade ago. Yeah, my sec three year was the longest in my whole damn life.Pain, despair, darkness, depressed ,weariness, hopelessness,worthless.The living just isnt my world.The dead is.
I am like all others, I do fear feeling pain , but what can I do?It cant be psychological pain.This kind of pain didnt change the least bit since I was sec 2.I didnt remembered being very unhappy before I first started my back problem.No. I cant remember anything that happen when I was happy , it felt so much it was like one ortwo decade ago. Yeah, my sec three year was the longest in my whole damn life.Pain, despair, darkness, depressed ,weariness, hopelessness,worthless.The living just isnt my world.The dead is.
i know that i have loved you ... at 1/05/2006 08:52:00 pm
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
Today is the first day of school and I am feeling all worn out like what I always feel.I didnt catch a single wink last night.I just cant fall asleep beacause a lot of my memories just floated past me while I lay there on my bed.Haiz. I nearly cried in school again.I cried the whole of last night and today in the hall while I was reading a story in the handbook, tears just welled up in my eyes.
The story I was reading goes this way...
A speaker started off his seminar by holding up a 20 dollar . In the room of 200 , he asked,"who would like this $20 bill?"Hands started going up.
He said,"I am going to give this $20 to one of you, but first, let me do this."He proceeded to crumpled the $20 dollar up.He asked once more,"Who still wants it?"Still hands were up in the air.
"Well",he replied," What if I do this?"And he dropped the bill the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe.He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty.
"Now who still wants it?" Still the hands went into the air.
"My friends, we have all learnt a very very valuable lesson",he said,"No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value.
It was still worth $20
Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled,and ground into dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way.We feel as though we are worthless .
But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value. Dirty or clean ,crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless ,especially to those who love you.
The worth of our lives comes not what we do or whom we know , but who we are.
........
When I read the last sentense of the story , I really felt like crying.
I am just a burden to everybody .It is better if I hadnt been born into this world .The greatest regret I guess now was walking back.At that time, I shouldnt have walked back or I would have died of a peaceful death.Yeah, I would not have met such fabulous people like Shirley ,Carmen ,Wuzhen ,Yuquan and Simin.I would not have seen sy 's octopus face and nearly died of laughter.I wouldnt have met eunice and the rest except for Huiyi.But I dont mind, because it is really unfortunate of them to have met me.
Like everyone, I want to be happy for once, but i cant forget that I have hurted many people, that includes my family and my friends.If I die, I am gonnna hurt them one last time and they can get on wif their life and it will remove my burden completely.I have persisted long enough. It is time for me to be selfish.This once is all I ask you.Because of protecting my brother and everyone I hold dear ,I held on for 5 years without telling ppl.Just give me a break.
The story I was reading goes this way...
A speaker started off his seminar by holding up a 20 dollar . In the room of 200 , he asked,"who would like this $20 bill?"Hands started going up.
He said,"I am going to give this $20 to one of you, but first, let me do this."He proceeded to crumpled the $20 dollar up.He asked once more,"Who still wants it?"Still hands were up in the air.
"Well",he replied," What if I do this?"And he dropped the bill the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe.He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty.
"Now who still wants it?" Still the hands went into the air.
"My friends, we have all learnt a very very valuable lesson",he said,"No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value.
It was still worth $20
Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled,and ground into dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way.We feel as though we are worthless .
But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value. Dirty or clean ,crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless ,especially to those who love you.
The worth of our lives comes not what we do or whom we know , but who we are.
........
When I read the last sentense of the story , I really felt like crying.
I am just a burden to everybody .It is better if I hadnt been born into this world .The greatest regret I guess now was walking back.At that time, I shouldnt have walked back or I would have died of a peaceful death.Yeah, I would not have met such fabulous people like Shirley ,Carmen ,Wuzhen ,Yuquan and Simin.I would not have seen sy 's octopus face and nearly died of laughter.I wouldnt have met eunice and the rest except for Huiyi.But I dont mind, because it is really unfortunate of them to have met me.
Like everyone, I want to be happy for once, but i cant forget that I have hurted many people, that includes my family and my friends.If I die, I am gonnna hurt them one last time and they can get on wif their life and it will remove my burden completely.I have persisted long enough. It is time for me to be selfish.This once is all I ask you.Because of protecting my brother and everyone I hold dear ,I held on for 5 years without telling ppl.Just give me a break.
i know that i have loved you ... at 1/03/2006 06:17:00 pm
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
Monday, January 02, 2006
I have changed my blogskin.Obviously.Anyway,I didnt have time to do one up today.I visited somebody's blog today and I was so damn worried about that person.All I can say is please take a lot of care.Really lots of care.I know what it is like to keep eating lots of medicine.Hope the new year brings joy into ur life and makes each day more happiness instead of weariness.I really hope that things will change for the better in your case.I know I am a scum in your eyes ,well it doesnt matter anymore.
I wanna apologised to someone.Someone who is damn worried for me all these times, well I didnt know until a few days ago and I cant describle how bad I felt at that time when I realised.I know you are not the kind who will walk out on your friends, cause friendships to you is very very important, but I thought you didnt want to mix around with me , after knowing who I really am.
I know it is a litttle late to write this but I am really thankful for having friends that didnt mind who I really was.They just treated me like how they would before they knew it and that helped me a lot.Even though I am still a disappointment , but sorry Carmen, all I can promise is that I will try my best.No promises on what you wanna me to promise.
I am gonna change my specs soon. It is so bright! ORANGE! MY GOD!!! But whatever it is.
I nearly cried today again.Fuck lahz. I know it is okay but it makes me lose my precious sleep lahz.Stupid memories just pop in and out whenever they like.Anyway , during the afternoon,they were memories of me and my seniors , and I was listening to peng you at the time.I managed to control my emotions before the first tear falls.
Hey SY ! Jia you for tml A maths exam okay? Must do your best hor! hahaz. NO MORE OCTOPUS FACE!!!!! I dont want a stomach cramp.
I wanna apologised to someone.Someone who is damn worried for me all these times, well I didnt know until a few days ago and I cant describle how bad I felt at that time when I realised.I know you are not the kind who will walk out on your friends, cause friendships to you is very very important, but I thought you didnt want to mix around with me , after knowing who I really am.
I know it is a litttle late to write this but I am really thankful for having friends that didnt mind who I really was.They just treated me like how they would before they knew it and that helped me a lot.Even though I am still a disappointment , but sorry Carmen, all I can promise is that I will try my best.No promises on what you wanna me to promise.
I am gonna change my specs soon. It is so bright! ORANGE! MY GOD!!! But whatever it is.
I nearly cried today again.Fuck lahz. I know it is okay but it makes me lose my precious sleep lahz.Stupid memories just pop in and out whenever they like.Anyway , during the afternoon,they were memories of me and my seniors , and I was listening to peng you at the time.I managed to control my emotions before the first tear falls.
Hey SY ! Jia you for tml A maths exam okay? Must do your best hor! hahaz. NO MORE OCTOPUS FACE!!!!! I dont want a stomach cramp.
i know that i have loved you ... at 1/02/2006 10:47:00 pm
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
fate crumbled all around 0 identities