Monday, February 27, 2006
I have been counting the things that makes me happy today.
- My sister offered to bring my books to school for me =)
- My brother offered to bring my stuffs to school today=)
- My sister made breakfast for me today=)
- My speech didnt go that badly but I was very slow.
- Miss Kuck allowed me not to take the pledge
- Made 4 new friends.
- Some many people help me to get my stuffs even though it is my fault.
- Many peple were concern about why my hand was banaged
- Chemistry practical was fun
- Xue Wei , Wei Xun and Ching hong offered and help me to bring my stuffs down.
- Yilin help to bring my shoes and book up.
- Sister did a foot reflexlogy for me today [SUPER SUPER TOUCHED]
- Sister bought my food.
- Mum bought my favourite food =)
- Sister didnt tell mum that I ate ice cream. (hahahz)
- Mum was concern abt me and started nagging at me
I love my family very very much.I want to play DOTA!!!!DOTA!!!!!
Our lives must be filled with meaningful and purposeful actitives.
I am still getting used to using only one hand.
Suddenly feel like chatting with my seniors.
Wonder how are they now.
I dont really know what the world is about.
About pursuing one's dreams and do anything to achieve your motive?
Why do humans like to prove that they are much better than each other?
If it is healthy competition , well it is great.
however if it is about who is more popular or who is more "right"
I dont see a point.
I really dont know.
Things that looks so simple could be the most complicated things on earth.
Maybe because I have been isolating myself from the rest that I dont really know what the world is really about.
Or maybe because I m too protected.
or maybe I choose to ignore everything and concertrate on whatever that is closer to heart.
dotz.
Sometimes when I look at how the world works
it just depress me.
because I dont belong here , therefore I dont understand.
second, I am just disappointed
third, I dont want to belong to this crap
fourth , I got to make the best of it.
However , I am sure there is more than what I am thinking about now lahz.
Yeah. At least 3 years of my secondary life was pass in this manner.
i know that i have loved you ... at 2/27/2006 09:12:00 pm
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
Friday, February 24, 2006
I ' ve got a feeling that she was talking about me.
Suddenly,
I feel that everyone is ignoring me.
I know it is very tiring to have someone like me as a friend.
Someone who was onced raped dont make good friends because they have too much wounds to recover from.
Besides that, they are temperatate and they are no longer who you know.
They have such low self esteem till they can make people around them either sick with frustrations or worries.
Because they are suicidal.
I am not trying to say how pityful I am and it is not lame.
To me it isnt lame.
It is pain.
You never got raped before.
Of course it is lame to you.
The feelings that evolved from being raped is soul destructive.
It makes you doubt what you believe in ,lose faith and start entertaining thoughts that because you are a trash, useless , pest and a vermin to be cleared from this world.
Yeah.It is lame if others tell you this.
It isnt lame if you feel it this way.
You wont not even dare to face others, because you will know that you are "different".
You have this dirty secret that will make people shun you away like leapers.
And when people do shun you away whether they know you have this problem or not, they will suicide because they dont feel belong to the living.
Since primary 6 I felt that way.
Because I cared too much for my mum and this person
I chose to protect them
and see this thing destroying myself.
These self destroying feelings eat you up from inside.
It will never end.
Action must be taken.Time will not heal any wounds of such genre.
Trust me.
It is only the begining and life will only become tougher if you cant accept yourself.
For me, it is amplify because of my back problems.
Why did I suddenly typed all of these?
One, I must learn to accept my past because it is the first step to accepting myself.
two, My friend was recently having the same problem as me, I want to convince her to take an action .
Three, to the person who told me it was lame to tell her that.
To tell you the truth, not anyone can boost of it.
Not anyone who was raped repeatly constantly over a period of years can still survive.
It takes a lot of willpower, [I have nth lack of it cos I am stubborn]
To reach the stage I am in.
which is to sit down in front of the computer and type this.
My dear friend.
I took years.
I wont expect you to fly and report it by this week.
I know it is impossible.
I know how tough it is to say it.
But u will always have me as a friend.
Suddenly,
I feel that everyone is ignoring me.
I know it is very tiring to have someone like me as a friend.
Someone who was onced raped dont make good friends because they have too much wounds to recover from.
Besides that, they are temperatate and they are no longer who you know.
They have such low self esteem till they can make people around them either sick with frustrations or worries.
Because they are suicidal.
I am not trying to say how pityful I am and it is not lame.
To me it isnt lame.
It is pain.
You never got raped before.
Of course it is lame to you.
The feelings that evolved from being raped is soul destructive.
It makes you doubt what you believe in ,lose faith and start entertaining thoughts that because you are a trash, useless , pest and a vermin to be cleared from this world.
Yeah.It is lame if others tell you this.
It isnt lame if you feel it this way.
You wont not even dare to face others, because you will know that you are "different".
You have this dirty secret that will make people shun you away like leapers.
And when people do shun you away whether they know you have this problem or not, they will suicide because they dont feel belong to the living.
Since primary 6 I felt that way.
Because I cared too much for my mum and this person
I chose to protect them
and see this thing destroying myself.
These self destroying feelings eat you up from inside.
It will never end.
Action must be taken.Time will not heal any wounds of such genre.
Trust me.
It is only the begining and life will only become tougher if you cant accept yourself.
For me, it is amplify because of my back problems.
Why did I suddenly typed all of these?
One, I must learn to accept my past because it is the first step to accepting myself.
two, My friend was recently having the same problem as me, I want to convince her to take an action .
Three, to the person who told me it was lame to tell her that.
To tell you the truth, not anyone can boost of it.
Not anyone who was raped repeatly constantly over a period of years can still survive.
It takes a lot of willpower, [I have nth lack of it cos I am stubborn]
To reach the stage I am in.
which is to sit down in front of the computer and type this.
My dear friend.
I took years.
I wont expect you to fly and report it by this week.
I know it is impossible.
I know how tough it is to say it.
But u will always have me as a friend.
i know that i have loved you ... at 2/24/2006 08:55:00 pm
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
Monday, February 20, 2006
I want to thank this particular person on this blog .
*drum rolls*
That's my senior Simin.
Thank you very much =)
I know I have got a lot to work on.
I must learn how to face my fears,
my past and myself.
I must learn everything again,
like a baby who has just opened his or her eyes for the first time to look at her or his surroundings.
Suddenly,
I dont think I can do it with entusaism.
Nevertheless ,I will try my best.
I have to be strong for my sake ,
Simin's sake =)
all my friends who have helped me to where I am now
though it isnt far =X
Friends or seniors like Carmen ,Shirley , Yuquan ,Yuying ,Siew Yuen,Huiyi,wuzhen etc etc
Thank you for proving me wrong.
Showing me that there are friends who won't mind whatever past you once had.
Yeah.
I am very very moved by your actions.
I used to think that if others knew about it , they will shun me away.
though you guys dont give me extra tlc =X
but it is more than enough .
By still being my friends after knowing about it is enough.
I am very moved for what all of you have done for me so far.
There is just too many things to write on if I have to.
I love my mummy and daddy!!!
Throughout last year ,
when I had horrible back pains.
My mummy took leave to bring me home.
She used it so much till she was branded irresponsible and her intergrity was doubted
My dad stood at my side when my mummy gets too stress up.
He believed what I had said when I first told them.
They have been really understanding and caring parents, no matter how young they are.
Only in times of difficulty will you be wiser.
Only in times of difficulty will you know who cares for you.
Another person would be Miss yeo.
No matter how naggy she can be.
She has been really caring
and she has been taking care of me since last year.
If I have got any more stupid thoughts , I better hit myself silly.
*drum rolls*
That's my senior Simin.
Thank you very much =)
I know I have got a lot to work on.
I must learn how to face my fears,
my past and myself.
I must learn everything again,
like a baby who has just opened his or her eyes for the first time to look at her or his surroundings.
Suddenly,
I dont think I can do it with entusaism.
Nevertheless ,I will try my best.
I have to be strong for my sake ,
Simin's sake =)
all my friends who have helped me to where I am now
though it isnt far =X
Friends or seniors like Carmen ,Shirley , Yuquan ,Yuying ,Siew Yuen,Huiyi,wuzhen etc etc
Thank you for proving me wrong.
Showing me that there are friends who won't mind whatever past you once had.
Yeah.
I am very very moved by your actions.
I used to think that if others knew about it , they will shun me away.
though you guys dont give me extra tlc =X
but it is more than enough .
By still being my friends after knowing about it is enough.
I am very moved for what all of you have done for me so far.
There is just too many things to write on if I have to.
I love my mummy and daddy!!!
Throughout last year ,
when I had horrible back pains.
My mummy took leave to bring me home.
She used it so much till she was branded irresponsible and her intergrity was doubted
My dad stood at my side when my mummy gets too stress up.
He believed what I had said when I first told them.
They have been really understanding and caring parents, no matter how young they are.
Only in times of difficulty will you be wiser.
Only in times of difficulty will you know who cares for you.
Another person would be Miss yeo.
No matter how naggy she can be.
She has been really caring
and she has been taking care of me since last year.
If I have got any more stupid thoughts , I better hit myself silly.
..........................................................................................................................................................
I do treasure our friendship alot even if you dont.
I am seriously slow and unfeeling.
I would be very elated if one day we can resume being wat we used to be in the past.
To me it is a great regret that things just ended this way.
But i guess I cant do anything bahz.
I have tried.
Yeah i think I can comfort myself by saying that I did try.
"The best will always be kept in your memories."
i know that i have loved you ... at 2/20/2006 09:20:00 pm
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
Saturday, February 18, 2006
I hate guys.
What's their problem?
Assholes.
it just drives me mad!
Yesterday.
Something happened to my friend.
I am very afraid that she will do something stupid.
Please FOR goodness sake.
PLEASE REPORT IT .
Think it this way.
DONT Let the fucking scum get away with it.
Report him.
I know it is really tough.
But evidence disappears after a few days.
After that it would be word against word.
please.
I beg u.
Dont do this to urself.
What's their problem?
Assholes.
it just drives me mad!
Yesterday.
Something happened to my friend.
I am very afraid that she will do something stupid.
Please FOR goodness sake.
PLEASE REPORT IT .
Think it this way.
DONT Let the fucking scum get away with it.
Report him.
I know it is really tough.
But evidence disappears after a few days.
After that it would be word against word.
please.
I beg u.
Dont do this to urself.
i know that i have loved you ... at 2/18/2006 01:56:00 pm
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
What am I gonna do wif e last ticket?
throw it away?
yeah.
What's new in life?
Being ignored and being irritated by myself.
What's new?
Oh yeah.
Simin replied me more than two times!!!!!
WOhooo.....
hahahz. ususally she lazy to sms me back mahz...
FIRST TIME LEHZ!
I am still sad .
throw it away?
yeah.
What's new in life?
Being ignored and being irritated by myself.
What's new?
Oh yeah.
Simin replied me more than two times!!!!!
WOhooo.....
hahahz. ususally she lazy to sms me back mahz...
FIRST TIME LEHZ!
I am still sad .
i know that i have loved you ... at 2/15/2006 10:02:00 pm
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
I had a rather horrible nightmare again.
Now that I realised whose eyes it belongs to,
it frightens me even more.
Thing were seen in my perspective.
I was walking down this path made by a line of died-not-long bodies,
In fact I was surrounded by a pile of bodies.
Blood was still spilling out of gaping wounds all over their bodies,
the soil had splashes of brownish-red everyway and by this time,
my shoes are drenched in blood because of the bodies.
I could hear the sound of my rapid heartbeat thumping at my ears.
I looked around the island of dead bodies and only one thing caught my eye.
It was their eyes.
They were wide open and they were all staring at me.
Their eyes held expressions of hatred, anger,shocked,
the look you will always get if you have ever see the stare of someone being murdered.
Their look on the face made me felt as if I was the murderer.
It sent chills down my spine.
I tried to run away, but I tripped over something(probably an arm)
and fell onto the ground.
Everything became dark and I woke up.
Want to know whose eyes were those?
My eyes.
Now that I realised whose eyes it belongs to,
it frightens me even more.
Thing were seen in my perspective.
I was walking down this path made by a line of died-not-long bodies,
In fact I was surrounded by a pile of bodies.
Blood was still spilling out of gaping wounds all over their bodies,
the soil had splashes of brownish-red everyway and by this time,
my shoes are drenched in blood because of the bodies.
I could hear the sound of my rapid heartbeat thumping at my ears.
I looked around the island of dead bodies and only one thing caught my eye.
It was their eyes.
They were wide open and they were all staring at me.
Their eyes held expressions of hatred, anger,shocked,
the look you will always get if you have ever see the stare of someone being murdered.
Their look on the face made me felt as if I was the murderer.
It sent chills down my spine.
I tried to run away, but I tripped over something(probably an arm)
and fell onto the ground.
Everything became dark and I woke up.
Want to know whose eyes were those?
My eyes.
i know that i have loved you ... at 2/14/2006 09:09:00 am
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
Saturday, February 11, 2006
Eh.
Sad again.
How?
Stupid of me thinking about the past.
Out of my head will you?
I want some peace and quiet.
Dont want to remember that the third time I went to hospital,
Yuquan and Shirley message me and offer to chit chat with me.
Dont want to remember that Eunice wanted to rush to hospital last year hearing I was hurt.
Shut up and get lost.
Dont want to remember.
At least not now.
Don't talk to me and ignored me after that.
Don't leave without telling me the reason.
Don't ever ever make me break down the barrier if you want me to seal myself in.
I've promised and I will fulfil it.
I've promised and I would fulfil it.
I 've promised and I must fulfil it.
Sometimes,
I don't ever think they should even give me a reason.
Because
If gods really existed ,they won't have given scum like me such nice friends.
So,
they should have never come into my life.
Yeah.
It is such a big mistake.
Sometimes,
I don't want to make choices.
Eh. I am tired.
Tired of facing the consequences of my decisions.
All the decisions I made are always wrong.
Everyone just wants me to walk out of it.
Stop trying to hide in a little shell,
stop running away when things get tough
stop shoving everyone out.
shoving?
Is there anyone I can shove out?
hahaz.They just all walked out on me.
Like my senior.
I dont want counsellors.
I am not crazy.
I am prone to suicidal but I am not crazy.
My back pain ISNT a psychological problem.
That reminds me why I dislike counsellors.
Not matter what you gonna say wont help me the least bit.
why?
Cant pass through a day without feeling gulity.
Feeling its all my fault.
Cant pass a day without blaming myself.
I am just worthless and useless.
Not comparable to trash becasue trash is too good for me.
haiz
i know that i have loved you ... at 2/11/2006 11:22:00 pm
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
Friday, February 10, 2006
I was really excited to seeing them today.
So excited that it wasnt cold inside for once.
When the results were release,
I could see from your expression that you were neither happy nor sad,
probably you didnt take it quite well.
Actually ,
I was so excited to see you till I felt as if I would hug you at the first sight of you.
But the expression held in your face detered me.
In fact , I could feel that icy feeling again.
I dont know.
But I was upset when you showed that you didnt want to see me.
That was what I fear.
You did the same thing like the you in my dream.
So it wasn't false.
Sometimes,
whenever I think about it,
I feel really bad.
Why can't I keep friends who mean a lot to me?
All my friends came into my life,
left without a sound,
leaving me behind with regrets that will last for e rest of my life time,
with memories that can only be memories.
with gulit that cannot be erase,
with fear that would haunt me.
I am afraid that one day
everyone will just leave me behind,
leave me behind to clear up all the mess,
leave me behind,scarred.
I cant help it.
Even though I know that you dont want me in your life,
I just cant help just treating you the same way I used to when we were friends.
And be hurted by your actions and words.
I am just tired of being myself.
So excited that it wasnt cold inside for once.
When the results were release,
I could see from your expression that you were neither happy nor sad,
probably you didnt take it quite well.
Actually ,
I was so excited to see you till I felt as if I would hug you at the first sight of you.
But the expression held in your face detered me.
In fact , I could feel that icy feeling again.
I dont know.
But I was upset when you showed that you didnt want to see me.
That was what I fear.
You did the same thing like the you in my dream.
So it wasn't false.
Sometimes,
whenever I think about it,
I feel really bad.
Why can't I keep friends who mean a lot to me?
All my friends came into my life,
left without a sound,
leaving me behind with regrets that will last for e rest of my life time,
with memories that can only be memories.
with gulit that cannot be erase,
with fear that would haunt me.
I am afraid that one day
everyone will just leave me behind,
leave me behind to clear up all the mess,
leave me behind,scarred.
I cant help it.
Even though I know that you dont want me in your life,
I just cant help just treating you the same way I used to when we were friends.
And be hurted by your actions and words.
I am just tired of being myself.
i know that i have loved you ... at 2/10/2006 03:57:00 pm
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
Sunday, February 05, 2006
Well, I am like 8 days late.
Everybody!
Happy New Year!!!
On the last day of last year ,
something very horrible happen.
I am still very embarrassed that it has happened,
but I am grateful that it had happened.
Yeah.By the way,
I love my mum a lot!!! =)))))))
Don't ask me what has happened
because I won't tell you.
The first day of Chinese New year was as good as the day before.
I became slighty bald and I nearly lost my life.
Yeah ,
I am suddenly very grateful that I can sit in front of my computer and type this entry.
Someone had actually laughed at me after telling her the reason for my baldness.
The second day was very peaceful.(I am very thankful for it)
I went to bug Simin at near midnight,
played firecrackers,
dirtied the playground,
got kicked by my cousin on the shin whenever I see her,
drank 3 glasses of Martini blue ribbon.(I cant resist it =) )
I drank it before seeing Simin and she said I look okay.
I really pity my dad .
He drank only had a glass and his face is as red as a Mandril backside.
Eh.I think it is spelt that way.
It is a kind of monkey that most people get confused with a Baboon
Don't know what it is?
Go to the Singapore Zoological garden.
It is the monkey with the brightest backside.
The male has a very colourful backside.
The female has a VERY red backside.
I think it is the most unforgettable chinese new year I ever had.
one, because it is the most unlucky chinese new year I ever had,
two , it maybe the last and
three, it is the only chinese new year that I got a lot of gan chu.
I realised that Singaporeans are very selfish people.
They will always stand aside and make comments.
They will NEVER lend a helping hand to someone in need.
Self-centre, concited,incompassionated.
Reminds me of something that happened when I was younger.
That incident happened on Christmas eve.
Now it is on Chinese New year eve.
I dont want to be such a person.
i know that i have loved you ... at 2/05/2006 06:34:00 pm
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
fate crumbled all around 0 identities