Tuesday, March 28, 2006
It is just a few pace away.
I stood there rooted to the ground, unable to lift or move a leg.
Feelings of helplessness and despair attacks .
I decided to seek help.
But no one bothered about me.
ten mins feels like eternity
I haven't had that feeling for a really long time.
Maybe since Chinese New year eve.
For the pass few days, I have been thinking about a lot of things.
taking some time to listen to the thoughts, to look through what have I done and reflect.
I dont exactly know why am I in such depressing state or the rationale behind everything I do.
I am just an ass to myself ,
I will take every opportunity to put myself down, I will use it well.
When I try to be nice, this act will make me feel like I am some creep.
Trying to be nice so that I have friends.
And I think I can never forgive myself, though I can forgive others very easily .
haiz.
I stood there rooted to the ground, unable to lift or move a leg.
Feelings of helplessness and despair attacks .
I decided to seek help.
But no one bothered about me.
ten mins feels like eternity
I haven't had that feeling for a really long time.
Maybe since Chinese New year eve.
For the pass few days, I have been thinking about a lot of things.
taking some time to listen to the thoughts, to look through what have I done and reflect.
I dont exactly know why am I in such depressing state or the rationale behind everything I do.
I am just an ass to myself ,
I will take every opportunity to put myself down, I will use it well.
When I try to be nice, this act will make me feel like I am some creep.
Trying to be nice so that I have friends.
And I think I can never forgive myself, though I can forgive others very easily .
haiz.
i know that i have loved you ... at 3/28/2006 10:40:00 pm
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
Saturday, March 25, 2006
Yesterday, I chatted with one person for 2 over hours.
Oh my god.
I didnt know there is so much to talk about.
hahahz. Fellow martial art learners.
He learnt Takewando and Akido before.
But whatever he is really good at , he cant use it anymore.
hahahz. sad.
I still can do knife attack.
However, I dont like to fight.
Because I am afraid I will kill the person if I am really angry.
Yeah. I will become very accurate in my blows, so I will probably break someone neck.
For counselling , I mux pick 4 cards.
first card, what did I lose in this crisis.
second card, what I was forced to gice up.
third, what did I get in the end.
fourth , what did I hope at the end.
In reference to the cards, I lost myself, my home. I lose the feeling of being safe.
I give up my friends. I became an outcast.
I became more compassionate and understanding. I try to reach out to people who need help.
I hope that I can stand up , with someone's help.
This week was really hectic.
Thanks to some teacher.
I broke down because of immense pressure and lack of support from family
okay lahz.
but now much better le.
Oh my god.
I didnt know there is so much to talk about.
hahahz. Fellow martial art learners.
He learnt Takewando and Akido before.
But whatever he is really good at , he cant use it anymore.
hahahz. sad.
I still can do knife attack.
However, I dont like to fight.
Because I am afraid I will kill the person if I am really angry.
Yeah. I will become very accurate in my blows, so I will probably break someone neck.
For counselling , I mux pick 4 cards.
first card, what did I lose in this crisis.
second card, what I was forced to gice up.
third, what did I get in the end.
fourth , what did I hope at the end.
In reference to the cards, I lost myself, my home. I lose the feeling of being safe.
I give up my friends. I became an outcast.
I became more compassionate and understanding. I try to reach out to people who need help.
I hope that I can stand up , with someone's help.
This week was really hectic.
Thanks to some teacher.
I broke down because of immense pressure and lack of support from family
okay lahz.
but now much better le.
i know that i have loved you ... at 3/25/2006 11:12:00 pm
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
Sunday, March 19, 2006
I feel like killing people now.
That's how frustrated I am.
Grrr...
it is really irritating the hell out of me.
God damn it.
I just feel like blowing up.
That's how frustrated I am.
Grrr...
it is really irritating the hell out of me.
God damn it.
I just feel like blowing up.
i know that i have loved you ... at 3/19/2006 09:05:00 pm
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
Thursday, March 16, 2006
I want to have some quiet time with myself.
I dont want to hear or see things.
It is getting on my nerves.
The conversations thats going through my head is driving me mad.
Oh god.
I keep seeing images and it is teaching me how to die.
For goodness sake.
A voice is convincing me to die.
Damn.
It is really on my nerves.
To add to that there is an idiot who keeps irritating me.
I am already on the verge of breaking something .
Still holding on.
Somebody ask me to do TYS.
That dont remove the voice and the images right?
Ask me to talk to a counsellor?
Forget it.
Please.I dont want to do something I will regret.
I dont want to make people feel gulity for the rest of their lives.
I dont want to hurt people who really care for me.
God
Please help me.
I dont want to hear or see things.
It is getting on my nerves.
The conversations thats going through my head is driving me mad.
Oh god.
I keep seeing images and it is teaching me how to die.
For goodness sake.
A voice is convincing me to die.
Damn.
It is really on my nerves.
To add to that there is an idiot who keeps irritating me.
I am already on the verge of breaking something .
Still holding on.
Somebody ask me to do TYS.
That dont remove the voice and the images right?
Ask me to talk to a counsellor?
Forget it.
Please.I dont want to do something I will regret.
I dont want to make people feel gulity for the rest of their lives.
I dont want to hurt people who really care for me.
God
Please help me.
i know that i have loved you ... at 3/16/2006 11:23:00 pm
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
Friday, March 10, 2006
I am not going to have that 2 or even 1 point deducted when I recieved my O' level results.
Well, I mean if I can even score lower than 20 to qualify for Jc.
The first feeling was dishearten, follwed by frustration.
Dishearten that I would probably never get into a good Jc.
Yeah.
I want to have the ability to choose the schools I wished to enter,
not being limited to a pathetic few schools.
I am frustrated because I didnt get my CCA point because of just one problem that is still bugging me!
That is my back.
I remembered when I volunteer to join back the performing group during 60th annivesary last year so that I had the chance to perform with my seniors.
Since sec 2 , that was the main reason why I practice hard.
The chance was once again, indirectly denied for one reason.
My back.
I gave up the first chance because of my back.
I was denied the last chance because of my back.
After that, I didnt want to return to guzheng .
I dont belong there.
They have beautiful memories of performing together in SYF.
Their unforgettable trip to Beijing.
I dont.
Why?
My back.
It is just unfair.
I live with the pain and I dont get what I wanted .
People lived without it and get what they wanted.
I did not intentionally fell off the chair.
Yet I went through so much physical and psychological pain.
I dont think I have become a better person.
Just a person without friends
A person who has no self esteem
a person who hated himself or herself.
A person who dont deserve to be loved.
Get out of my life.
Well, I mean if I can even score lower than 20 to qualify for Jc.
The first feeling was dishearten, follwed by frustration.
Dishearten that I would probably never get into a good Jc.
Yeah.
I want to have the ability to choose the schools I wished to enter,
not being limited to a pathetic few schools.
I am frustrated because I didnt get my CCA point because of just one problem that is still bugging me!
That is my back.
I remembered when I volunteer to join back the performing group during 60th annivesary last year so that I had the chance to perform with my seniors.
Since sec 2 , that was the main reason why I practice hard.
The chance was once again, indirectly denied for one reason.
My back.
I gave up the first chance because of my back.
I was denied the last chance because of my back.
After that, I didnt want to return to guzheng .
I dont belong there.
They have beautiful memories of performing together in SYF.
Their unforgettable trip to Beijing.
I dont.
Why?
My back.
It is just unfair.
I live with the pain and I dont get what I wanted .
People lived without it and get what they wanted.
I did not intentionally fell off the chair.
Yet I went through so much physical and psychological pain.
I dont think I have become a better person.
Just a person without friends
A person who has no self esteem
a person who hated himself or herself.
A person who dont deserve to be loved.
Get out of my life.
i know that i have loved you ... at 3/10/2006 07:16:00 pm
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
Sunday, March 05, 2006
Hope she didnt see me.
I was afraid that she will see me.
It has been very peaceful these few days.
That led me to think about all the times I tried suicide and hurt myself.
There is always this voice.
Sometimes, I feel there isnt a me but a someone.
Like there is two people.
sound abit weird .
Thats what I feel lahz.
I like it best when the other one shuts up and doesnt tok to me.
I like it too when my brain is blank.
For once ,I dont feel confused with so many voices in my head.
So peaceful.
I was afraid that she will see me.
It has been very peaceful these few days.
That led me to think about all the times I tried suicide and hurt myself.
There is always this voice.
Sometimes, I feel there isnt a me but a someone.
Like there is two people.
sound abit weird .
Thats what I feel lahz.
I like it best when the other one shuts up and doesnt tok to me.
I like it too when my brain is blank.
For once ,I dont feel confused with so many voices in my head.
So peaceful.
i know that i have loved you ... at 3/05/2006 04:31:00 pm
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
Saturday, March 04, 2006
too bad never copy the whole thing.
I draw a house on this website.
it is a personailty test.
it says I love freedom, likes make decisions.
I put my family and friends before myself.
I like friends to be there for me when I need them.
Thats all I can remember.
Yeah. Everything it said is true, I guess.
I love having friends to be there for me..
However, I just dont know how to keep them.
Feeling tired again.
Functioning like a normal human being is taking a toll on me.
I dont feel like doing that.
Just wanna hide in a little corner and hope that the world forget about me.
But I cant.
I want to forget everything.
I cant.
My brother told me about King Lear.
he only to realised at the end that all the miseries he was suffering of his own making.
By that time, his beloved daughter had died.
Why?
It was his fault.
Am I like King Lear?
Is everything I am going through my own making?
I dont know.
It really feels like a nightmare that I cannot never wake up from.
Anyway. I dont think I can be of a topic to talk abt.
yeah.
I draw a house on this website.
it is a personailty test.
it says I love freedom, likes make decisions.
I put my family and friends before myself.
I like friends to be there for me when I need them.
Thats all I can remember.
Yeah. Everything it said is true, I guess.
I love having friends to be there for me..
However, I just dont know how to keep them.
Feeling tired again.
Functioning like a normal human being is taking a toll on me.
I dont feel like doing that.
Just wanna hide in a little corner and hope that the world forget about me.
But I cant.
I want to forget everything.
I cant.
My brother told me about King Lear.
he only to realised at the end that all the miseries he was suffering of his own making.
By that time, his beloved daughter had died.
Why?
It was his fault.
Am I like King Lear?
Is everything I am going through my own making?
I dont know.
It really feels like a nightmare that I cannot never wake up from.
Anyway. I dont think I can be of a topic to talk abt.
yeah.
i know that i have loved you ... at 3/04/2006 11:22:00 pm
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
Friday, March 03, 2006
I dont know if I am just being too sensitive or it is true.
My feelings just cant be pen down that easily.
An array of feelings that is so confusing and inexpressible.
I did not shoved or push anyone away.
However, why are you just being so indifferent to me?
You may even develop an argument to convince me that it isnt true.
But how do one define what is true?
Could it be just sheer imagination on my part?
Could be something that you just dont want to tell me?
I cant feel.
And it is giving me a lot of stress.
I want to feel and understand what you are feeling so that I wont give you any other problems. I want to know if what I am doing is appropriate so that I wont hurt you.
I dont want you to leave with disappointed or anger because of something I did.
I have no other alternatives but to ask.
But now, I am afraid of asking.
I am afraid that it is true.
Maybe none of you have noticed,
I cant even tell what I am feeling.
I cant.
The only feeling that I can feel is pain.
When a penknife slits across my skin
Yes. I feel searing pain.
Thats all.
Thats why self inflict wounds help me to stay alive, not because it distracts me; it tells me that I am still alive.
I am not a walking dead Zombie.
I fear that Eunices words are true.
I wont doubt it, in fact I never did.
I dont even know what will happen if it is true.
I am not god; I cant predict what the future holds for me.
It just feels dark.
I yearn for just a little light to light up my wretched soul.
My feelings just cant be pen down that easily.
An array of feelings that is so confusing and inexpressible.
I did not shoved or push anyone away.
However, why are you just being so indifferent to me?
You may even develop an argument to convince me that it isnt true.
But how do one define what is true?
Could it be just sheer imagination on my part?
Could be something that you just dont want to tell me?
I cant feel.
And it is giving me a lot of stress.
I want to feel and understand what you are feeling so that I wont give you any other problems. I want to know if what I am doing is appropriate so that I wont hurt you.
I dont want you to leave with disappointed or anger because of something I did.
I have no other alternatives but to ask.
But now, I am afraid of asking.
I am afraid that it is true.
Maybe none of you have noticed,
I cant even tell what I am feeling.
I cant.
The only feeling that I can feel is pain.
When a penknife slits across my skin
Yes. I feel searing pain.
Thats all.
Thats why self inflict wounds help me to stay alive, not because it distracts me; it tells me that I am still alive.
I am not a walking dead Zombie.
I fear that Eunices words are true.
I wont doubt it, in fact I never did.
I dont even know what will happen if it is true.
I am not god; I cant predict what the future holds for me.
It just feels dark.
I yearn for just a little light to light up my wretched soul.
If you hate yourself so much,
Why are you still alive?
If you really feel all these that you said yourself to be,
Why are you here?
Just get out my life and die.
No one will give a damn whether you are alive or dead.
Who wants to hear what is happening in your fucking life.
Jump lahz.
I dare you jump lahz.
I think you can even live longer than me.
Dont have the guts right?
Shut your trap up
And save your complaints for someone who wants to listen to it.
If you minus all the swear words, it will sound something like Eunice and Shirley.
I help both of you add it in for the effect.
I am very good at detecting tone that is why I score pretty high for history and social studies.
Yes. Both of you are right.
I dont have the guts to jump.
It isnt because I fear death.
I am afraid of letting down everyone who cares for me.
I love my family and friends.
That is why I am still here.
Everyone is giving me too much pressure.
Samantha:I just need some more time to get over it.
Miss Yeo: How long do you still need? Samantha. It is over le. Get on with your life.
Samantha:orh.
Miss Yeo:Samantha, please lahz.
Samantha:orh.
Mum: CRY CRY CRY FOR WHAT? DO YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE MAKING YOUR BROTHER VERY GULITY? CANT YOU JUST SNAP OUT OF IT?
Girl: sniffs sniffs. I didnt fall down the stairs because of that, mummy.
Mum:WHY CANT YOU JUST BE LIKE A NORMAL KID?
Girl: Mummy, I am sorry. I really didnt mean to fall down. Mummy, I am really sorry. I didnt mean to make you so upset. Sorry. I really did not intentionally fall off the stairs.
Mum: You really spoilt my day. Everything was so perfect till this came along.
Girl:I really didnt mean it mummy. I am sorry, mummy.I am really sorry.
Yeah, I still call my mum mummy.
“Hahaz.It is so lame lorz.I can assure you if you carry on with this kind of attitude, you will definitely lose all your friends”
Brother looks at sister.
Brother knows he cant help sister.
Brother feels bad.
Sister feels Brother trying to make up to her by helping her.
Sister knows Brother is feeling bad.
“ I am sorry, sister”
Sister tries to forgive brother.
Sister pats brother on the back
“Dear brother, you will always be my brother. I will always forgive you. You have a major examination coming up; dont feel guilty about what has happen. Give me a little time to get over it. If you feel guilty, I will feel bad.”
Brother shrugs off sisters hand.
His face has suddenly become wet.
Sister watch brother walk off.
Sister feels very guilty and bad.
Why didnt sister shut up?
Sister is alone again.
Why are you still alive?
If you really feel all these that you said yourself to be,
Why are you here?
Just get out my life and die.
No one will give a damn whether you are alive or dead.
Who wants to hear what is happening in your fucking life.
Jump lahz.
I dare you jump lahz.
I think you can even live longer than me.
Dont have the guts right?
Shut your trap up
And save your complaints for someone who wants to listen to it.
If you minus all the swear words, it will sound something like Eunice and Shirley.
I help both of you add it in for the effect.
I am very good at detecting tone that is why I score pretty high for history and social studies.
Yes. Both of you are right.
I dont have the guts to jump.
It isnt because I fear death.
I am afraid of letting down everyone who cares for me.
I love my family and friends.
That is why I am still here.
Everyone is giving me too much pressure.
Samantha:I just need some more time to get over it.
Miss Yeo: How long do you still need? Samantha. It is over le. Get on with your life.
Samantha:orh.
Miss Yeo:Samantha, please lahz.
Samantha:orh.
Mum: CRY CRY CRY FOR WHAT? DO YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE MAKING YOUR BROTHER VERY GULITY? CANT YOU JUST SNAP OUT OF IT?
Girl: sniffs sniffs. I didnt fall down the stairs because of that, mummy.
Mum:WHY CANT YOU JUST BE LIKE A NORMAL KID?
Girl: Mummy, I am sorry. I really didnt mean to fall down. Mummy, I am really sorry. I didnt mean to make you so upset. Sorry. I really did not intentionally fall off the stairs.
Mum: You really spoilt my day. Everything was so perfect till this came along.
Girl:I really didnt mean it mummy. I am sorry, mummy.I am really sorry.
Yeah, I still call my mum mummy.
“Hahaz.It is so lame lorz.I can assure you if you carry on with this kind of attitude, you will definitely lose all your friends”
Brother looks at sister.
Brother knows he cant help sister.
Brother feels bad.
Sister feels Brother trying to make up to her by helping her.
Sister knows Brother is feeling bad.
“ I am sorry, sister”
Sister tries to forgive brother.
Sister pats brother on the back
“Dear brother, you will always be my brother. I will always forgive you. You have a major examination coming up; dont feel guilty about what has happen. Give me a little time to get over it. If you feel guilty, I will feel bad.”
Brother shrugs off sisters hand.
His face has suddenly become wet.
Sister watch brother walk off.
Sister feels very guilty and bad.
Why didnt sister shut up?
Sister is alone again.
i know that i have loved you ... at 3/03/2006 06:06:00 pm
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
fate crumbled all around 0 identities