Friday, March 03, 2006

I dont know if I am just being too sensitive or it is true.
My feelings just cant be pen down that easily.
An array of feelings that is so confusing and inexpressible.
I did not shoved or push anyone away.
However, why are you just being so indifferent to me?
You may even develop an argument to convince me that it isnt true.
But how do one define what is true?
Could it be just sheer imagination on my part?
Could be something that you just dont want to tell me?
I cant feel.
And it is giving me a lot of stress.
I want to feel and understand what you are feeling so that I wont give you any other problems. I want to know if what I am doing is appropriate so that I wont hurt you.
I dont want you to leave with disappointed or anger because of something I did.
I have no other alternatives but to ask.
But now, I am afraid of asking.
I am afraid that it is true.

Maybe none of you have noticed,
I cant even tell what I am feeling.
I cant.
The only feeling that I can feel is pain.
When a penknife slits across my skin
Yes. I feel searing pain.
Thats all.
Thats why self inflict wounds help me to stay alive, not because it distracts me; it tells me that I am still alive.
I am not a walking dead Zombie.

I fear that Eunices words are true.
I wont doubt it, in fact I never did.
I dont even know what will happen if it is true.
I am not god; I cant predict what the future holds for me.
It just feels dark.
I yearn for just a little light to light up my wretched soul.

If you hate yourself so much,
Why are you still alive?
If you really feel all these that you said yourself to be,
Why are you here?
Just get out my life and die.
No one will give a damn whether you are alive or dead.
Who wants to hear what is happening in your fucking life.
Jump lahz.
I dare you jump lahz.
I think you can even live longer than me.
Dont have the guts right?
Shut your trap up
And save your complaints for someone who wants to listen to it.
If you minus all the swear words, it will sound something like Eunice and Shirley.
I help both of you add it in for the effect.
I am very good at detecting tone that is why I score pretty high for history and social studies.
Yes. Both of you are right.
I dont have the guts to jump.
It isnt because I fear death.
I am afraid of letting down everyone who cares for me.
I love my family and friends.
That is why I am still here.

Everyone is giving me too much pressure.

Samantha:I just need some more time to get over it.
Miss Yeo: How long do you still need? Samantha. It is over le. Get on with your life.
Samantha:orh.
Miss Yeo:Samantha, please lahz.
Samantha:orh.

Mum: CRY CRY CRY FOR WHAT? DO YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE MAKING YOUR BROTHER VERY GULITY? CANT YOU JUST SNAP OUT OF IT?
Girl: sniffs sniffs. I didnt fall down the stairs because of that, mummy.
Mum:WHY CANT YOU JUST BE LIKE A NORMAL KID?
Girl: Mummy, I am sorry. I really didnt mean to fall down. Mummy, I am really sorry. I didnt mean to make you so upset. Sorry. I really did not intentionally fall off the stairs.
Mum: You really spoilt my day. Everything was so perfect till this came along.
Girl:I really didnt mean it mummy. I am sorry, mummy.I am really sorry.

Yeah, I still call my mum mummy.

“Hahaz.It is so lame lorz.I can assure you if you carry on with this kind of attitude, you will definitely lose all your friends”

Brother looks at sister.
Brother knows he cant help sister.
Brother feels bad.
Sister feels Brother trying to make up to her by helping her.
Sister knows Brother is feeling bad.
“ I am sorry, sister”
Sister tries to forgive brother.
Sister pats brother on the back
“Dear brother, you will always be my brother. I will always forgive you. You have a major examination coming up; dont feel guilty about what has happen. Give me a little time to get over it. If you feel guilty, I will feel bad.”
Brother shrugs off sisters hand.
His face has suddenly become wet.
Sister watch brother walk off.
Sister feels very guilty and bad.
Why didnt sister shut up?
Sister is alone again.