Friday, September 19, 2008
Maybe I have found my second half a long time ago
But I had gave him up.
I don't think I 've got over him.
When I saw him look up and our eyes met briefly,
I realised that.
I don't regret because I didn't have a choice then or now.
I am not ready to take up the responsiblity of caring for another.
I' m not even prepared to be another's friend.
Talking about friendship,
I really screw it up.
I couldn't offer words to comfort or to cheer her up.
Wanted so much to reach out and hug her but I was afraid that I would cry.
What could I have accomplished by crying?
It will make her feel worse.
Half the tinme, I feel as if I am trying to comfort myself rather than comforting her, which is rather odd.
But I can't stand it.
She was recollecting about him in a very sentimental manner then suddenly she pretends that she is alright and claims that he isn't close to her.
I dont even know if the way she remembered her grandfather or the way she tried to make things alright by pretending to be strong and unaffacted did it to me.
Oh well, who am I to complain?
I just wish there was something that could help her.
I threw a fit twice between two days.
The first left me with the craving for a quick dose of adrenaline rush.
Because the physical pain, the worrying, the crippling sense of helplessness the severe lack of motication buried me and made me feeling dead.
I didn't satisfy the crave since I thought I already had a overload of pain.
The second was more explosive.
I had nearly took a swing at my stinky brother , who was the unfortunate trigger of the anger.
With that stride and all the energy that I had at the time, I might have broken his freaking nose or teeth.
Which thankfully I didn't because at the last moment , I drew back , gave the sofa a good kick and stalked out the house ,crying out the pent up emotions.
Looking at the bright side, he didnt have any broken features on his face.
But oh well, I have got to bear with the gulit that I might have injured him for his insensitve comments.
Stupid boy.
Oh well. I must be in control of my feelings.
But I had gave him up.
I don't think I 've got over him.
When I saw him look up and our eyes met briefly,
I realised that.
I don't regret because I didn't have a choice then or now.
I am not ready to take up the responsiblity of caring for another.
I' m not even prepared to be another's friend.
Talking about friendship,
I really screw it up.
I couldn't offer words to comfort or to cheer her up.
Wanted so much to reach out and hug her but I was afraid that I would cry.
What could I have accomplished by crying?
It will make her feel worse.
Half the tinme, I feel as if I am trying to comfort myself rather than comforting her, which is rather odd.
But I can't stand it.
She was recollecting about him in a very sentimental manner then suddenly she pretends that she is alright and claims that he isn't close to her.
I dont even know if the way she remembered her grandfather or the way she tried to make things alright by pretending to be strong and unaffacted did it to me.
Oh well, who am I to complain?
I just wish there was something that could help her.
I threw a fit twice between two days.
The first left me with the craving for a quick dose of adrenaline rush.
Because the physical pain, the worrying, the crippling sense of helplessness the severe lack of motication buried me and made me feeling dead.
I didn't satisfy the crave since I thought I already had a overload of pain.
The second was more explosive.
I had nearly took a swing at my stinky brother , who was the unfortunate trigger of the anger.
With that stride and all the energy that I had at the time, I might have broken his freaking nose or teeth.
Which thankfully I didn't because at the last moment , I drew back , gave the sofa a good kick and stalked out the house ,crying out the pent up emotions.
Looking at the bright side, he didnt have any broken features on his face.
But oh well, I have got to bear with the gulit that I might have injured him for his insensitve comments.
Stupid boy.
Oh well. I must be in control of my feelings.
i know that i have loved you ... at 9/19/2008 11:45:00 pm
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
Thursday, September 11, 2008
I walk with You in my heart
You find me at the cross
Down on my knees
Thank you Lord for saving me.
Falling in love with Jesus again.
Sat at desk because I couldn't sleep.
It was the second night of not sleeping at all.
So I was running on pure nerves and pain for more than 48 hours.
Feeling trashed, like pain and aches and low in spirit.
My sister was also telling me how shitty I am as a sister[ more than the usual bitching, like a real heart to heart talk because our way of affection is to tell each other we don't like each other ], like being super impatient with her for teaching her and I was being terribly horrible by wanting to act like a stupid bratty child.
I felt totally horrid.
And I felt God embracing me while I cried.
I can never understand why He loves me so much. It's just beyond logic and I am not writting this out of self - conciousness.
I just don't think that I really deserve being loved to that extent.
Still counting all the blessings.
my sister was telling me about my friend and I can't help but thank god.
To thank god for each well-placed friend to bring me out of my own emotional cage then.
To thank god that I only hurt myself by pure accident, the claying knife nicked me on my finger.
To thank god that I can truly live in freedom.
Here I stand forgiven
You find me at the cross
Down on my knees
Thank you Lord for saving me.
Falling in love with Jesus again.
Sat at desk because I couldn't sleep.
It was the second night of not sleeping at all.
So I was running on pure nerves and pain for more than 48 hours.
Feeling trashed, like pain and aches and low in spirit.
My sister was also telling me how shitty I am as a sister[ more than the usual bitching, like a real heart to heart talk because our way of affection is to tell each other we don't like each other ], like being super impatient with her for teaching her and I was being terribly horrible by wanting to act like a stupid bratty child.
I felt totally horrid.
And I felt God embracing me while I cried.
I can never understand why He loves me so much. It's just beyond logic and I am not writting this out of self - conciousness.
I just don't think that I really deserve being loved to that extent.
Still counting all the blessings.
my sister was telling me about my friend and I can't help but thank god.
To thank god for each well-placed friend to bring me out of my own emotional cage then.
To thank god that I only hurt myself by pure accident, the claying knife nicked me on my finger.
To thank god that I can truly live in freedom.
Here I stand forgiven
i know that i have loved you ... at 9/11/2008 11:10:00 pm
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
Monday, September 01, 2008
Changes.
Perhaps I have grown resistant to changes in my life because I am desperately finding a physical platform for me to anchor myself on.
Life's full of changes, so I can't be so weak to feel sad about minor changes.
I know it's bollocks that I should be given the space to be emo about it because I am going through a period of change.
I guess I am not laying everything down at god's feet because my crippling sense of insecurity is just suffocating me.
Nightmares, weird dreams, Literature, weird people, funerals just building up that insecurity and fear.
I know who I am- a child of god, but I'm not living to it.
I'm not living the way god wants me to live.
I lie on the bed at night, wondering what the darkness will bring.
More exposure of my past or just the same old horror tape played in my head?
Lying there in fatigue and in pain, unsure if slumber could even provide me with the solace I need.
Those residue of darkness still linger on in this haven of mine.
Threatening even though I know I am physically safe.
I am afraid.
God placed the fear of you in my heart so that I can no longer fear.
Even now, I will continue to praise you because you are my god.
Perhaps I have grown resistant to changes in my life because I am desperately finding a physical platform for me to anchor myself on.
Life's full of changes, so I can't be so weak to feel sad about minor changes.
I know it's bollocks that I should be given the space to be emo about it because I am going through a period of change.
I guess I am not laying everything down at god's feet because my crippling sense of insecurity is just suffocating me.
Nightmares, weird dreams, Literature, weird people, funerals just building up that insecurity and fear.
I know who I am- a child of god, but I'm not living to it.
I'm not living the way god wants me to live.
I lie on the bed at night, wondering what the darkness will bring.
More exposure of my past or just the same old horror tape played in my head?
Lying there in fatigue and in pain, unsure if slumber could even provide me with the solace I need.
Those residue of darkness still linger on in this haven of mine.
Threatening even though I know I am physically safe.
I am afraid.
God placed the fear of you in my heart so that I can no longer fear.
Even now, I will continue to praise you because you are my god.
i know that i have loved you ... at 9/01/2008 09:32:00 pm
fate crumbled all around 0 identities
fate crumbled all around 0 identities