Blue

2010-11-21T16:52:00.001+08:00

http://djsilvester.dj.funpic.de/go.php

2010-11-07T22:15:00.002+08:00

I can't describe the feelings that washed through me when my gaze fell upon his balding head- the falling and thinning of hair.
It's like a classic image of someone who undergoing chemotherapy.
In my wilderness imagination did I ever imagine seeing my grandfather in such a state.
My strong, polite and blessed grandfather.
A tower on a unshaking rock.
He used to have a powerful grip and shaking hands with him would mean hours of massaging your dear hand after.
He's also my idea of an epitome of emotional strength.
With his vitality and strength, it had never crossed my mind that he might actually decline or that the strong waves of death would one day crashed the impregnable tower.
Or that there may not be a tomorrow.

I'm impressed.
I'm proud of my family who could go on with their lives with smiles plastered on faces.
I'm proud of the resilience that seemed to run in the blood.
Ties that bind- I guess this is what it means.

There is no avoiding of the issue right now.
Death will put the final full-stop to the story of our lives.
I feel the urgency of seeing him saved.
It's home that the Lord is taking him to.

2010-01-31T15:24:00.003+08:00

Thumbs-up

"Good,"said I, happily
flashing two thumbs-up in front of her.

Curling tiny fingers in earnest effort;
Brows drew into a line of concentrate,
at the enormous task.

Her eight stubborn fingers refused to budge,
insisting to stick out like sticks instead.
Refusing to give up, she persisted.
The battle etched lines of frustration on her face.

Finally, her fingers relented,
curling inwards;
forming two unmistakable thumbs-up.
A dazzling smile of delight appeared on her lips,
as she mirrored the thumbs-up I had given her.

I smiled.

up up and away! Time to let go!

2009-11-27T03:51:00.003+08:00

I'm totally a sucker for such heart-warming animations.
Up deals with several issues close to heart and closes up on the hearts of the elderly.

Well, it begins with a quick journey of the protagonist and his wife, Emily 's relationship and we can see how in love the couple as they aged from the simple domestic scenes-building the dream home, bit by bit with all they had,a wife doing the tie of her husband daily, taking occasional walks to the hill near their small house. Naturally, as a couple, they had their ups and downs and we see compromise and effort made by either party to make it work and it did.
The producer used about twenty minutes to convene the deep love shared by the couple. Well, then Emily passes away before the couple could do some travelling together, something they always wanted as a kid and the old man was left with only regrets.

The first scene shown after the loss of his wife was symbolic, his old unchanged house stood awkwardly among constructions sites and the modern buildings, as if time stood still for him. The old man sticks with all his routines, a striking similarity to Great Expection's Satis House, though I must say his house is far cheery with its colours. It cast a foreboding feeling as if the old man has begin his transformation to decay inwardly.

Well, he becomes a grumpy old tired man. Anyway, he got into trouble when he desperately tried to protect all physical reminders of his beloved wife so he hatched this plan to achieved his wife's dream of living at the Paradise Falls.

It's incredibly comical to see the house floating because of the thousands of balloons he blew and tied overnight. Well, on the way he met a lot of difficulties that coerced him to break away from the past and start living in the now and he did.

There was another symbolic scene where he tossed everything that he once hold dear out of the house in his haste to honor a new promise.

In all, the animation concluded wonderfully-the old man learnt to let go of his past and live a fresh new life.

I must add that the animation's target audience aren't children but adults who can appreciate the imageries cleverly used and the theme.

It's really cool though, I love it. Hahah =)

2009-11-11T01:09:00.002+08:00

Matthew 6:33 " But seek first His Kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."

This verse has been constantly on my mind for the past week. To really understand the verse, you need to read the entire passage entitled "Do not worry"

Matthew 6:25-34

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life , what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?

Look at the birds in the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?

Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin.

Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.

If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?

So do not worry, saying 'What will we eat?' or 'What will we drink?' or 'What will we wear?'

For the pagans run after all these things and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.

But seek first His Kingdom and His righteousness and all these things will be given unto you as well.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

The passage began to make more sense for me as I completed the book my friend had lent me a week ago. It was about a man who lived by faith and believed with all his soul that God would truly honour His promise. He hungered for God and God has never let him down. To illustrate, God told this man to leave his country- Sri Lanka and travel around the world. At that point of time, he was penniless, he had a family and he lived from day to day. Yet, he obeyed God and left for America. God never let him down. When he needed money, God would send someone to help him.

I think something stirred deep inside of me when I read about his journey of faith. It is as if God's constantly reminding me that we have to walk in His way and He will meet my needs. It's kinda befitting, thinking I'm worried about my direction in life and I'm struggling to make ends meet sometimes- I'm jobless and I'm living on my last salary. I truly believe it's a word for this season of my life and I'm going to spend my time seeking Him.

Yes and He has always honored His promises. When I took a leap of faith this year and went for the Shanghai trip during June, God blessed me with a job, with generous donors that I didn't need to ask a single cent from my parents. Moreover, I never had to worry for a job since God seemed to always provide me with one when I needed it. He's truly my provider.

I pray that one day, anyone reading this post would come to know about this God that I'm serving and truly experiencing the Joy and the Freedom that He gives.

Amen!

2009-10-31T02:00:00.002+08:00

I wonder if one could just stop caring for someone when one's job ends.
My answer is no.
I was excited and happy to see my ex student at the bus- stop today.

I remember every single student I taught for the past few months.
Their sillines and their cuteness.
After two weeks, I find myself missing them. I'm still checking with my friend how they're faring back at school.
Of course, there are things that I don't miss about them.
I'm sure I'll be skinless if I return during lunch time to see them.
Of course, I start to miss them again if I visit them.

It's so difficult to stop caring for a person when you start.
Not something I'm unfamiliar about, but it makes me wonder if all my teachers feel that way.

Thinking about my purpose

2009-10-22T23:14:00.002+08:00

Day 3

"You, Lord, give perfect peace to those who keep their purpose firm and put their trust in you." Isaiah 26:3

I'm not too sure what would people say if I ask them what is the driving force in my life. I've a feeling it might be guilt and fear. I think I always live a life propelled by these two and I know that I'm entrapped because of them. I want to live a life that is driven by the purpose God has created me for- to live a fulfilling and free life. I believe that God has a purpose for me and that He will reveal it in bits.

You are not an Accident Day 2

2009-10-22T00:13:00.002+08:00

"I am Your Creator. You were even in my care before you were born." Isaiah 44:2

You are who you are for a reason.
You are part of an intricate plan.
You are a precious and perfect unique design,
Called God's special woman or man.

You look like you look for a reason.
Our God made no mistake.
He knitted you together within the womb,
You're JUST what he wanted to make.

The parents that you had are the ones He chose.
and no matter how you may feel,
they were custom-designed with God's plan in mind,
and they bear the Master's seal.

No, that trauma you face was not easy.
And God wept that it hurt you so;
But it was allowed to shape your heart
so that into his likeness you'd grow.

You are who you are for a reason,
You've been formed by the Master's rod.
You are who you are,beloved,
Because there is a God!

Russell Kelfer "The Purpose Driven Life"

Knowing that God made no mistakes in creating me, it's comforting to know that there's a reason why I'd to go through certain experience- There is meaning in going through them. I think I'm still struggling in trying to accept some aspect of myself. I can't accept the fact that I'm always sick with something and that because of my sickness I missed the targets that I've set for myself.

That's my reflection for Day 2

The purpose driven life Day 1

2009-10-21T01:37:00.002+08:00

Day 1- Thinking about my purpose.
"Everything got started in Him and find its purposes in Him." Colossians 1:16b(Msg)

Well, I guess I know that it's just not about me. Yet there's really a subtle difference in knowing and truly believing that my life just isn't about me. I know that I'm clueless about the direction of my life. I used to believe that I gave my life a purpose- setting a goal that appeals to me and working hard towards it. God has set His eyes upon me before I was born and has plans to prosper me. So yes, life then isn't about me anymore-It's about God.

As for the question to remind myself that life is really about living for God, my answer would be to spend time with Him daily. I think by getting to know God better through dedicating time to him daily would help because I'll get to learn about the character and the promises of God. Everything will fall in place as God has promised.

Short short reflection.. but I'm done.

Parting words of a Temp Teacher

2009-10-18T23:15:00.002+08:00

Days rolled over to months and finally I found myself at the end of this particular chapter of my life.

It was just four months ago when I entered the familiar staff room for the first time. My student sat at the table, waiting anxiously for me to arrive. She was unusually quiet and I found it difficult to reach out to her. Quiet can no longer be used to describe her now. You can hear her from the other side of the centre, screaming in English at some classmates who dare to cross her.

I've come into the conclusion that I'll never be a teacher.
I think it takes a lot of effort to keep up with children- They have an amazing level of energy.
No doubt, it's a refreshing change to be facing kids.
There are times when you let your hair down and indulge in the inner child that you've always ignored.

Of course, you learn to be more conscious of the words you speak and the actions you do. I was constantly reminded of this whenever my student display this nasty habit they have learnt from me.I tend to threatened to poke them if they attempt to misbehave themselves.
You can imagine the shock on my face when I heard one of my students saying,
"If you take my pencil again, I'll poke you!"
It's a nice change from "I'll hit you!" but it emphasised the fact that children pick up actions and words from adults fast.
Nevertheless, I continued to threatened them in those moments when I'm exasperated with them.

One thing for sure, I'm sure I will miss their child-like candor- they never fail to speak up what they truly feel. I regretted telling my student that I was happily unattached because they were anxious about offering me tips to find my second half.

"Teacher, you must lose weight so that you're look nice!"
"Teacher, you must go shopping. I can tell the days of the week from the clothes you wear."
"Teacher, you must go out often. Don't go straight home after work."
"Teacher, you're getting older-you've a lot of white hair."

I'll usually retorted by asking them to do their work or by changing the subject.

Each day always bring a fresh set of challenge because kids are very temperamental- No one day at school is the same. It's something that I've grown to enjoy.

Of course, I'll miss the amazing staff.

I'll miss their weird expressions of the students.
"I turn my head 90 degrees to the right.... " ( My comment : You must be great at Maths!)
"The constables waited for the robber to do something wrong before interrogating him"( My comment: We don't live in the 40s, we call them Police nowadays. Besides, the Police interrogates if they find you suspicious.)
We spend countless hour laughing until we teared because of the lack of logic or the strange expressions that they have used.

In all, it has been a wonderful experience for me.

2009-08-24T22:00:00.002+08:00

I've just got the feeling that I'm going to be out of job soon.
Really really soon.
Not that I harbour hope in staying in it permanently.
Then again,
I don't like the feeling of being so disposable.
Neither do I like the feeling as if I'm not contributing.

Saw an ex-schoolmate today on the train.
She was reading powerpoint slides on indifference curve.
Her brows were knitted in concentration as she seek to understand.
Can't imgaine why the scene was etched so deeply into my mind.
Maybe it's because two years ago, I sat in the library, excitedly pouring through the thick books available on the shelf about it.
Or maybe, it was because the same two years ago, I was excitedly discussing the points with my brother at home.

I need an output.
I need to start serving others.

2009-08-15T22:30:00.002+08:00

Speaking to friends these days gives me a sense of alienation for some odd reasons.
Maybe it's because we're in different seasons, the fact that we no longer speak the same wavelength or share the different opinions of a common experience which birthed such emotions.

It feels as if others have moved steadily along towards their goals, experiencing fresh things and growing as they explore.
I'm glad and happy they've moved on.

It doesn't soften the blow that I'm stuck in between, waiting for the next opportunity as I crossed the days of my calendar.
Coupled with sentimentality, it made everything worse.

Speaking to people don't help.
Like, I'm not being bei guan okay!
I dont need to be optimistic.

2009-07-31T23:32:00.002+08:00

It's been a rather weird week and I thank god that it's over.

It's time for some rest!

Yes, I'm really tired.

Think I'm catching a flu bug either my class or the students from the summer school.

I'll get breathless when I try to raise my voice to teach.

Moroever, the anti allergy medicine is really drowsy.

I'm very glad to hear that my friends are getting somewhere.

Not going to doubt if this is the place where god wants me to be now at this point of time honestly.

I like the way things are right now.

It's just certain decisions concerning my health that I'm indecisvie about.

Seriously, I'm just like so irritated with the whole hospital thing.

By the way, I'm feeling better.

Probably because I'm too worn out to feel anything.

Good night.

2009-07-27T23:15:00.002+08:00

I'm feeling a bit down since yesterday and the mood don't seem to be fading away. It's not as if there is something wrong, everything is working out fine. I do know the reason for this bout of unhappiness, but I find it too stupid for me to be honest with myself.

I can't decide which is more foolish- admitting the reason or continuing to deceive myself.

Moving on,
a few years have past as I reflect, I can't help but fall on my knees and thank God for being so merciful to me.So much have changed for the better since, I thank the Lord for this miracle in my family's lives.
There are still cracks but I truly believe that all these will be healed , by the grace of God.
I know I'm getting there somehow. Haha.

It's during this time of the year when I start to remember one particular friend.
Not out of a guilty heart but of a grateful one when I think of this person.

Sheehs, I hate being sentimental.
It's a week since QQS has past
I'll get over it next week.

Where have my past few months gone?

2009-07-26T21:13:00.003+08:00

Recently, I've been primarily busy with the community service project, Qian Qian Shou and work. Well, I'm going to do a brief update.

For anyone who is interested in which University would I be entering this year, the answer is that I wouldn't be studying. In fact, I'm going to take a gap year and spend my time gaining working experiences. I'm pretty much looking forward to gain more exposure.

Currently, I'm working as a teacher. I have 7 adorable kids and they are between the ages of 6-9. Well, they are foreign children trying to assimilate into the Singapore schools. I teach them English and Mathematics. Their main problem is English but they constantly fascinates me with the number of languages they are learning. To illustrate, the youngest boy in my class, he learns 4 languages- English ( He is very good at it), Laos, Thai, Chinese. Amazing isn't he? By the way he is the cutest one in the picture. HAHA! Most of the time I have to teach the class in two languages, Chinese and English, since most don't really understand English that well. It's a very interesting experience.

By the way, I don't have any physical pain for the past 7 weeks! By faith, I am healed! Praise God! Yes, I 'm still really happy about it. Can you imagine how many years did I spend contenting with pain?It was so long till I forgot how it feels without it!

Another event I want to highlight is Qian Qian Shou. It is the name of the community service trip I made to Shanghai. I learnt a plenty there and I made really good friends. I felt very blessed to have the opportunity to help others and to gain exposure.

Well, that's all.

I'm off to do my work.

2009-06-17T17:10:00.002+08:00

If you are wondering what I am doing recently,I'm now a temporary English and Mathematics teacher for pre primary school students.
My students are young and few but they can really be handful at times, makes me wonder sometimes how some are able to teach a class of thirty students.

They do make my day sometimes with their adorable antics, after you get used to the way they speak and walk , in our language, shout and run.
It's only three days on the job and I am racking my brains for ways to keep their attention and to encourage learning.
So far, I've tried hang-man and finding hidden objects in pictures after they completed their exercises.
I used that to teach them pronunciation and spelling.
I was considering charades but I'm not too sure what kind of topics should I give.
There is also the issue on discipline.

Oh well.
I guess I just have to figure it out.

2009-06-05T00:20:00.002+08:00

Well, I'm really enjoying my break nowadays, the entertaining late night chats, the interesting and fun filled outings, the books. I always wondered what can you do when you don't work or study and I guess I got my answer.

I love those outings with the people that I haven't contacted for ages. It's just real amazing that when we begin talking again, all those years just disappeared and we are back to the times when we're very close.
It just lightens my heart to know that things don't change =)
Then there are the strengthening of new relationships.
It's just awesome.

Well, I also have more time to explore my interests fully.
I love the freedom to spend all my time in reading.

Well, that's all.
I've done my best and I have no regrets.

2009-03-27T23:42:00.002+08:00

Life don't get any better than this.
With each new day, I coerced to decide between a path that is rocky and full of uncertainty or a path of defeat, living with gulit for being so irresponsible.

Sheesh, I just hate the way I live now.
Bowing down to my illness and accepting the consquences of surrendering.
Yet, I'm left with very little choice.
Ironically, the illness I'm talking about isn't something life threatening or big that people can understand. It's just a irritating illness that's been testing my will for close to a year.
Pain and more pain.
Sometimes, I can't comprehend why I should choose to fight so hard.
I can't help wondering about another choice.
One I should not think about it at all yet I don't think I have the energy to struggle in a meaningless battle.
Why is the choice to live such a difficult one to stick?

Stripped off the fascade of excitement and joy, I'm nothing.
Just another trying so hard to make each day work.
Just another trying to live.

I can't find it within me to spur myself not to give up.
Maybe it's time to let go.

2009-02-27T23:02:00.002+08:00

It's amusing.
I seem to always bring out the parenting instincts out of everyone.
For some odd reasons.
Everyone like mothering me in office.
My mentor and my SIO in the team I was first trained in were seriously very protective of me.
Always there to grab my phone when I have a difficulty maintaining a calm and amiable conversation with the other party.
Or simply just always there to lend me assistance and patiently answering my never ending questions.
Even when I was helping out with another team,
the other IO I was working with was also very protective of me.

I thought all the mothering would end when I was removed from team I grew very accustomed with to another right at the end of the office.
There was a serious lack of manpower in that area,
so I had to be shifted over to help them out.
Well, I thought that would be the end of my mothering days since they would not have the time to care about their temp assistants right?
Guess what?
I was wrong.
I am now being mothered by another staff like me.

It's just kinda amusing.
I really thank god for the brilliant people he has placed me to be with.
They are really very nice people and I learn plenty from them.

2009-02-10T23:05:00.002+08:00

I know exactly what is the condition of my heart.
Increasingly frequent bouts of irrational anger, increasingly more sleeping time and increasingly deficit of energy are great indication of it.

I'm just so sick of living sometimes
but life has to go on...

Reflection on year 2008!

2009-01-01T02:16:00.002+08:00

Thank god for my fabulous year!
I guess my year could be spilt into two seasons.
The first being the season to heal from my nightmares and the second my health.
It has been an amazing year.
God used the people around me to begin my healing process.
It was tough at first but God pull me through.

The second season was mainly about my health.
There were many times when I lost faith but God pulled me through it.
He saw me through it and carried me through it.

After reflecting about my 2008, I saw His hand in every aspect of my life and well,
I'm just so thankful that I have an amazing god!
A god that did not forsake me.
Truly, He is my best assistant =)
Praise god to the highest!

2008-12-29T22:52:00.002+08:00

I realised that I need to have a lot more output.
I'm getting lazy from the lack of activity. Hahax.. oh well.

2008-12-17T03:23:00.002+08:00

I'm back from a sudden and quick trip to Malaysia and my secondary 4 class chalet.
I'll start with the bizarre trip to Malaysia.
It was more hurried than usual because we haven't really decided to go even up to the hour before we left for Malaysia.
Amazing right?
We packed everything we need for a three to five day journey in about an hour.
I really can't believe the stuffs I have to carry just because I'm still sick.
Anyway, I think in all the trip was a really blessed and meaningful trip for my family.
We saw the hand of God in the many things we did and it just reaffirms my faith.
Sometimes, I can't help doubting and thinking but God never lets me go.
He just reminds me that he is real in my life by blessing my family and I enormously.

Well, the next thing is my secondary four class chalet.
I didn't realise how much I had missed them till I saw most of them socialising under one same roof.
The feeling is just so good to see everyone chatting and joking with each other (in fluent mandarin of course) just like how we did in the past.
I'm surprised that I could still speak to them.
I never had so much fun watching others catching toys.
Anyway, the chalet ended for me in a rather meaningful way.
I met my Chinese sec 4 teacher, Miss Sun on the bus as I was travelling back home.
We began chatting about the teachers and about my classmates and she was delighted to know that my class even had a successful chalet together.
I realised that most of the teachers that I'm rather familiar with have left Xinmin.
Some have promoted, some have quited, some have transferred.
But I guess some things just never change,
like how the sec 2 students will be promoted to performing group
and how the performing group would be preparing for SYF and orientation.
The cycle of secondary life, I would say.

Anyway,
Yi lin made me relaised that I'm still very insensitive and ignorant.
Deep in my heart, I really wish to mend that broken relationship but I don't have the ability or the intelligence to.
Yes, I haven't forgotten about you.
To be honest, I don't even know what had happened between the both of us.
And I guess I'll never know if you choose to tell everyone but me.
Maybe I should be contented with it and let time wash away all the memories I once shared with you.
Lest I start harassing you and cause you even more grievance.

I remembered that you were once my best friend when I was secondary 1 and 2 and that we mysteriously stopped talking when I was in my third year.
We were classmates for two years and we used to spend a lot of time together then.
I wish that we could just talk.
I want to know why did you walk out on me at the time I most needed help.
Did you not want my companionship because I was no longer fun to be with?
Or did something just happened?
Yi lin was right.
For such a long time, I've been bitter about it and I had blamed you unjustifiably for it.
Because in my eyes then, you walked out on me when my world turned upside down and I had lost faith and confidence in everything.
I was blinded for a long long time and had refused to acknowledge that you weren't such a person.
I'm really sorry.
I pray that one day we can really resolve everything between us.
And keep on hoping that one day we can find it in our hearts to do so.

An impostor on facebook

2008-11-27T22:09:00.003+08:00

Look at familiar name, I excitedly clicked on your profile.
The picture revealed a person that I have never known.
It's just another person with the same name who shares the same social circle and belongs to the same school.
A stoid and lifeless fraternal identical twin who shares all your memories
It makes me doubt my eyes.

I took out a photograph of you in the past and compare with this stranger.
The impostor appears to share similar physical features with you.
I persist in not acknowledging this stranger.

But I saw a shadow on the stranger's dead lips that proved the existence of your trademark carefree smile.
I noticed the faint tinge of your healthy color on the imposter's cheeks.
I begin to doubt.

Maybe that person was really you.
My memory needs time to synchronise with reality.
Meanwhile, I shall persist in rejecting this clever impostor.

2008-11-25T01:28:00.003+08:00

The most exciting things that are happening now in my life either take place in books or in the arcade.
Recently, I have been trying different type of games.
I kind of like the dragon punch machine.
Well, if you don't know what it looks like, it's simply a punching machine.
It's quite comical to watch the males gaping at you as if you're really from Venus.

Before I had my first attempt in the game, I was watching this peacock lowering the punch bag with a overconfident smirk.
It had grabbed my attention immediately because I really wanted to see how he fared.
He had laughed at my brother's first attempt at punching because he could not get it right.
So with great anticipation, I watched on.

He made a running punch and he hit the bag wrongly thus the score was not registered (happens to everyone if you are not sure where to punch)
My brother politely directed him to the point the bag had to make a contact to register the score because he was aching to play.
Then he tried again and the score registered. It was only about a thousand higher than my brother's first attempt.
So that was about 6000?
The second hit was no better.
It was about that range but the guy was very satisfied with his results and started to boast about it.
He even flashed an overconfident smirk to our direction as if challeging us.

I was unsure at how to hit the punching bag too but my brother told me what he told the guy.
So to test it out, I gave a short jab or i didn't even extend my arm it was just a thrust from my shoulder.
The score was around his range.
When i finally got it, I did a follow through, and my score exceeded his by 2000, it was about 8600 (High score:9400)
When God sneezes, your pride get deflated.
His overly huge head deflated immediately while the others gaped.
It was really a comical sight.

To make his overly large pride shrink further, the guy he had laughed at, which is my brother hit a score of about 9200 for both times, far exceeding his greatest attempt.
And guess what?
We didn't even run.
We just did a basic straight punch (no way you could do a hook)
I guess I am just really sadist or something but he really brightened up my dull day.

I am now reading about economism and Islamic finance system.
I really think that we should operate by the Islamic finance system then we won't run the risk of having a credit crunch.
The books are quite interesting actually.

2008-11-21T19:53:00.002+08:00

My A levels are over.
I don't feel somewhat overjoy or relieved.
The knowledge of myself not responding at full capacity burdens my heart.
I wouldn't have regrets if I had done my best.

I know I'll be fine tomorrow =)
Lord, if You don't change my circumstances, teach me to change my attitude. I know You hold my future.

2008-11-03T23:07:00.002+08:00

It has been an interesting week for me.
I gathered a lot of insights by talking to some people whom I haven't speak to for ages.
I realised that most people seem to associate the idea of being bitter and pessimism with emotional maturity, affirming the fact that it seem to be the in-thing to live a life that is filled with misery.

I guess this realisation struck a chord deep within me.
I was just like these hallowed shells, wrecking up other's happiness simply because I was jealous and bitter about what they have instead of being grateful about what I have.
At least I'm proud to say that I can now check such destructive feelings.
Pondering over what my friend had told me made me realised that true emotional maturity is that one can still choose to hope despite all odds.

It seem very paradoxical that one of the most difficult things to do in this world are simple words
like love, hope and faith.
Oh well.
I'm going back to my studies..

2008-10-24T23:26:00.002+08:00

I miss Zhengong all of a sudden..
I guess even though I have friends, my spiritual family and god with me,
when things go wrong, I just want to talk to her...

It's an unhealthy over-reliance on her but I' m just so used to it.
When I have major problems, I'll talk to her not about it but...
Hmm...
I can't find my solution but I'm not going to ponder over it.
Because no matter how hard I try to figure things out, I won't get an answer to it by myself.
All I have to do is wait and see.
Yeah, be more patient with myself and see...

2008-10-14T21:54:00.002+08:00

I find it so hard.
So hard, Lord.

But my hope is in You.
I know it's training.
I will not give up.
I will not bow down to it.

2008-10-12T22:16:00.002+08:00

If it's a fight you want.
It's a fight I will give.

I have come to this point and I will not bow down to my illness.
Not because I trust myself to be able to carry myself through this.
But because I believe that God is at the end of it , catching me.
Just like how He has caught me when I stayed in the hospital.

He knew my fears and my iniquities and he carried me through every single one of it.
Thank you god for putting this fire in me.
I will put in my all in You.
Should I fail, I know you will paved the way out for me because you know my dreams and my aspirations.

Lord, I know you hold my future safely in your hands.

2008-10-11T13:12:00.002+08:00

I'm back from hospital!
Well,I like to think I'm fine.
The diagnosis is inconclusive and I've got lots of painkillers to eat.
It amazes me that my medication, I mean only one medication cost more than my weekly allowance.
By the way, I get about $50 per week, my one painkiller cost $69.90.
Well, I havent include my other painkiller, constipation medication ,gastric medication and cream.
Hohoho.. darn expensive to be sick sia.
have to do follow up on pain management.
Looking on the bright side, at least they are teaching me to manage the pain =)

2008-10-06T23:20:00.002+08:00

It's finally the eight day here
Even though the doctors could not find a cause for the pain and are going to rule it as a psychological pain, I still praise god.

He made me see a lot of things by merely staying in a ward.
I felt helpless that I could not reach out and chat with the people in the ward due to language barrier and it made me realised the importance of knowing more than one language.
Everyone in the ward , including the nurses know at least 3 language.
Chinese, English, Malay and most of the dialects.
I will aspire to learn at least a few!

Well, even though it is a painful experience.
My hands are full of bruises and cuts but I will choose to believe in god provision and work hard.
I know i dont have time le..
But i am going to do tt.

I know I am safe in His hands and that He will never forsake me.

2008-10-03T23:16:00.002+08:00

It's the fifth day.
Doctors couldn't tell me what's wrong.
Just feeling so down because it's approaching A levels soon and I am not doing enough.
Haiz...
Maybe I should have taken better of myself, then again I hardly care about it unless I fall ill.
I so badly want to do well for A levels.
Seeing that I have screwed up Prelims, I really got nothing to say.
I mean so what if i got an A, I am not improving for any of my subjects.

How?
I also dont know.
I can't think with swollen veins, bruises and pain.
With each test returning negative, I feel even worse.
I mean I rather like have like the Ct scan show that I have stones or something.
At least I know what's wrong.
Right now, I don't and it's bothering me.

My mind is so fuzzy with so many medication and pain.
I cant even study...

2008-09-19T23:45:00.002+08:00

Maybe I have found my second half a long time ago
But I had gave him up.
I don't think I 've got over him.
When I saw him look up and our eyes met briefly,
I realised that.

I don't regret because I didn't have a choice then or now.
I am not ready to take up the responsiblity of caring for another.
I' m not even prepared to be another's friend.

Talking about friendship,
I really screw it up.
I couldn't offer words to comfort or to cheer her up.
Wanted so much to reach out and hug her but I was afraid that I would cry.
What could I have accomplished by crying?
It will make her feel worse.
Half the tinme, I feel as if I am trying to comfort myself rather than comforting her, which is rather odd.
But I can't stand it.
She was recollecting about him in a very sentimental manner then suddenly she pretends that she is alright and claims that he isn't close to her.
I dont even know if the way she remembered her grandfather or the way she tried to make things alright by pretending to be strong and unaffacted did it to me.
Oh well, who am I to complain?
I just wish there was something that could help her.

I threw a fit twice between two days.
The first left me with the craving for a quick dose of adrenaline rush.
Because the physical pain, the worrying, the crippling sense of helplessness the severe lack of motication buried me and made me feeling dead.
I didn't satisfy the crave since I thought I already had a overload of pain.

The second was more explosive.
I had nearly took a swing at my stinky brother , who was the unfortunate trigger of the anger.
With that stride and all the energy that I had at the time, I might have broken his freaking nose or teeth.
Which thankfully I didn't because at the last moment , I drew back , gave the sofa a good kick and stalked out the house ,crying out the pent up emotions.
Looking at the bright side, he didnt have any broken features on his face.
But oh well, I have got to bear with the gulit that I might have injured him for his insensitve comments.

Stupid boy.
Oh well. I must be in control of my feelings.

2008-09-11T23:10:00.003+08:00

I walk with You in my heart
You find me at the cross
Down on my knees
Thank you Lord for saving me.

Falling in love with Jesus again.
Sat at desk because I couldn't sleep.
It was the second night of not sleeping at all.
So I was running on pure nerves and pain for more than 48 hours.
Feeling trashed, like pain and aches and low in spirit.
My sister was also telling me how shitty I am as a sister[ more than the usual bitching, like a real heart to heart talk because our way of affection is to tell each other we don't like each other ], like being super impatient with her for teaching her and I was being terribly horrible by wanting to act like a stupid bratty child.
I felt totally horrid.
And I felt God embracing me while I cried.

I can never understand why He loves me so much. It's just beyond logic and I am not writting this out of self - conciousness.
I just don't think that I really deserve being loved to that extent.

Still counting all the blessings.
my sister was telling me about my friend and I can't help but thank god.
To thank god for each well-placed friend to bring me out of my own emotional cage then.
To thank god that I only hurt myself by pure accident, the claying knife nicked me on my finger.
To thank god that I can truly live in freedom.

Here I stand forgiven

2008-09-01T21:32:00.002+08:00

Changes.
Perhaps I have grown resistant to changes in my life because I am desperately finding a physical platform for me to anchor myself on.
Life's full of changes, so I can't be so weak to feel sad about minor changes.
I know it's bollocks that I should be given the space to be emo about it because I am going through a period of change.

I guess I am not laying everything down at god's feet because my crippling sense of insecurity is just suffocating me.
Nightmares, weird dreams, Literature, weird people, funerals just building up that insecurity and fear.
I know who I am- a child of god, but I'm not living to it.
I'm not living the way god wants me to live.

I lie on the bed at night, wondering what the darkness will bring.
More exposure of my past or just the same old horror tape played in my head?
Lying there in fatigue and in pain, unsure if slumber could even provide me with the solace I need.
Those residue of darkness still linger on in this haven of mine.
Threatening even though I know I am physically safe.

I am afraid.
God placed the fear of you in my heart so that I can no longer fear.
Even now, I will continue to praise you because you are my god.

My father, my hero?

2008-08-25T14:34:00.002+08:00

Perharps for the first time ever, my sister and I had really understood how each other felt and we wept together throughout the sermon and on our way home .
We had attended a sermon entitled "My father, my hero" and it was a great healing experience for the both of us.
"What would you want me to do for you? What would you like me not to do?" I doubt that my father would ever ask that from my sister and I but when we heard Jason encouraging the fathers to do so, I started crying.

I want him to spend more time with us. I want him to be our strength when we need him. I want him to listen.I don't want him to bully my mummy, to vent his frustration, misery, unforgiveness on us. I don't want him to impose his thinking on us. I don't want him to lose temper easily and behave like a immature kid. So did my sister.

Don't misunderstand me that my dad doesn't love my family. He does in his own way. It's just that he was never a good dad to us , a good husband to my mummy or a good head of the household.
He didn't had parents or a family who loved him thus he couldn't love. He is always demanding love from others to make up for the lack of love in his life when he is young.

When the fathers attending the youth service stood before all of us and asked for our forgiveness. I was struggling not to cry. I couldn't help but imagine that those was his words to me and my sister but I had to remind myself that it wasn't. My dad wouldn't and he wasn't a christian and I wept even harder. My dad would never ask forgiveness or try to be a better father.

Then there was the altar call for those who need to be healed. I didn't think I had to at that point of time because I didn't think I needed healing. The holy spirit thought differently and encouraged me forward. I was alright when I was standing at my seat but as I walked all the way to the altar, I realised that my eyes were misty and I was on the verge of crying.

I kneeled and cried.

I didn't know why I was crying but I was.

My friend prayed for me and I heard god speaking through her.

He comforted me and I feel so secure at that time. I feel like a child in his presence, like I don't have to pretend to be more than I am like how my parents expect me to be and I can give in to be me.
I know that he is always there for me to give me comfort that my real father can't, nourishing me with His love so that I can learn to love and forgive others.

God is great! He's my hero..

2008-08-22T12:04:00.003+08:00

I've got quite alot to talk about today.

Well, I must share about what happened the day before.

In a nut shell, it was a very odd day.

I was angry with one of my friend simply because she refused to study with me and I was sulking like a naughty kid around the school.

My gosh.

It's so illogical that I get angry with her simply because she refused to study and that I get angry with her even.

That silly girl was so understanding that she didn't say anything even though it was so uncalled for.

But anyway, despite thinking that it was weird that I was angry about it and that I was even sulking, I gave way to my childish side.

I sulk for an hour in the library.

It made me thought about it for quite a while.

I concluded that I was quite stress therefore I sort of lost control of my feelings.

Realised that I was so stressed about my health and literature.

I lay them all down at the feet of Jesus and he restored me!

2008-08-10T22:28:00.002+08:00

I've been feeling a little low in spirit,So low till I can almost hear someone fruitlessly trying to wind me up with those all too familiar words, "Work work work."

Undoubtedly, the best way of "healing" broken spirits is to take a plunge into my studies and work mindlessly but that's not what I need at this point of time.

I don't even know what I need to do now.

It's sunday but my soul is all weary and low.

2008-08-06T15:42:00.005+08:00

I think I shall blog about my birthday.

Thank god for such an amazing one!!

I was first shocked by my cellmates dropping sms to wish me happy birthday because I didn't think that they actually knew. Well, haha, but they did.

Then in them morning ,I was surprised by my cellmates, Stef and her sister Sam.Sam had brought something to my school backgate to celebrate my birthday.They got me this!!

I was really touched la.. cos Sam was going straight to work after that!=)

Then Stef brought me out and we had lots of fun eating and playing arcade.

Hohoho... this is Stef's first attempt at drums.. SHE ROCKS at it.
We were playing Drum mania V4
Oh yeah!!! My best friend had actually called me in the night to wish me happy birthday!
We've been friends since I was sec 1 and she always forgets it.
This is the first time she actually remembered!!!

Then on sunday, my cell group celebrated my birthday.
Though it was no surprise that they got me something and a card.
Because they gave it away from the start of the service.
I nearly cried while they were blessing me.
They were so nice...

Then my two buddy brought me to serangoon garden to treat me after my service ended.

Of course, it rocked! Wahhahax...

I just love spending time with them...

I met Amy on Monday and we exchange presents and had a lot of fun chatting with each other. My dearest sister cook up a meal to celebrate my birthday after I came home from meeting amy.
So adorable right???

I really had fun la..
It's such an amazing year.
Things are so much nicer now.

It's just different.
I thank god for it and for giving me such wonderful people.

2008-07-30T22:27:00.002+08:00

Perharp I've been too blind.
I never saw anything good that once came from my past.
As I looked back, I couldn't help but weep.
I was too focused on the darker side of people and of life, I never truly appreciate the goodness and the brighter side of life.
I can't tell if it was to satisfy my need to be more assured in myself.
But it was dumb.
I had so many people who had supported me and were willing to help me.
And...
I'm so blessed.
Blessed with a family who supports me and loves me very much.
Blessed with friends who were always really to help.
Blessed with teachers who really cared for me.

When I do think of the past nowdays,
it makes me smile.
I think of them =)

2008-07-27T00:13:00.002+08:00

I experience a whirlwind of emotions today.
Today, I was rudely awaken to my mummy's palm on my leg.
She was pissed that I missed Economics and I was frustrated that she didn't let me sleep on =X
With such a horrible start to my day, I expect that things would be kind of shitty.

I was half right.
I lost my essay outline and that essay is due on Monday.
I've got a Lit extract, poems to compare, 3 Economic essay outlines, two economic essay , 2 AQ, two sheet of Maths to do.
Quite a long list eh?
That's my workload for my Saturday.
I haven't include revision.

Anway, my daddy decided to be really adventurous today.
He took us to the HSBC Tree Top Walk.
The trail we took was about 7.5 Km.
WE HAD LOTS OF FUN!!
Eat wild Rambutan
Attempted to catch fish
And, oh ya, oh ya

I got pelted by rambutan seeds and shells.
I find it kinda amusing.
The monkeys in the park are our source of entertainment.
We go there to observe them.
But have you ever thought that the monkeys are amused at seeing us staring at them?
Yeah, I was their source of entertainment because they were throwing rambutans at me!
When I walked away from them, they stopped firing their "bullets"
So, yeah, they were aiming at the poor passbys like me..

I saw lots of animals today
The patriarch monkey, female monkey, cuddly cutie baby monkey , cute chipmunks, birds, monitor lizard and fishes.

2008-07-12T20:41:00.002+08:00

I haven't got much to update recently except for my results from my examination. Well from what my friends have ben telling me, I am doing fine for it.
I've got no idea how but I did.
I thought that my Econs would turn out badly because I felt as if I was writing "coffeeshop economics" generally logical statement without a hint of any proper economic concept or flawed economic concepts.
I didn't think I ought to pass.

As for the other subjects, they are all history =)
I only flunk Gp and Lit, so I think I should be fine.
Oh well...
I 've to work hard.

2008-07-01T22:46:00.002+08:00

Sometimes, it makes me wonder if one could feel uncomfortable with a person one used to feel so comfortable with after spending more time with the person.

Just a random thought,
maybe because I am changing that I cannot seem to accept the things that I used to.
Sometimes, I can't stand the way some things are done.

Anyway, I choose not to doubt any longer. I don't want spend 40 years instead of a few weeks to get there.

2008-06-25T20:06:00.002+08:00

I decided to be a considerate ex-classmate and went to check up on how my ex-classmates are faring.
So I did a little blog-hopping.
I guess I'am just blessed in the most funny way after I've read their blogs.
I've never experienced heartache from breaking up in the past.
Never went through the break up period.
Because I have never truly fell in love.

I was thinking really hard today.
It really makes me upset to know that others have to go through heartaches and...
Just because they do not know God.
I know the people whom I have blog hopped will never read this.
Thank goodness.
But, I will make a commitment to pray for both of you every single day.

It's just so upsetting.

2008-06-20T12:32:00.002+08:00

Ho ho ho.
I' m sick again.
Down with a cold and a cough.
So I'm like wheezing like an old man.
I think I behave like one too.
When I move a little,
*crack*
think that was my back
*crack*
think that was my knees
*whiff*
That was my nose
*Cough whiff Crack Crack Ouch*
That's what happens when I tried to cough and sneeze.

Was sick for a consecutive number of days.
Start with a stomach, then my back now and finally a cold.
Oh well...
I'll take care of myself.

God spoke to me about my calling.
It didn't surprise my family.
It came as a surprise to me because I never thought of it.

Most of my friends in secondary school aspire to be in that profession.
I just never thought that one day I might to.

Just like I never thought I might in the future settle down.
I firmly believe that God wants to bless me
so I can hope and anticipate what the future would be.

Approaching the month of July,
I think for once I shall be determined to enjoy my days to the fullest =D
Oh yeah,
Someone shocked me by asking me is my birthday around the corner.
Then I had to checked my ez link to make sure I didn't get my date wrongly.
I guess that's why I am anticipating.
Because this time round it is going to be a fresh new start for me

2008-06-18T16:17:00.002+08:00

It's the last few days to mids
I don't have any inspiration to even pick up something to study.
A lack of drive at this time is highly disturbing.

Anyway, told my mum that I will be underperforming.
It's mids...
And I got no idea how to prepare.

Hahax... sounds really like my previous mids.
When I blur blur went into my examination hall to take my mids.
It was terribly done anyway, ranking points of 19?
Hahaz.

Okie... I must try to brain wash myself to study.
So as to maintain at least a ranking point of 50.
I giving up on lit...
Really think I cant make it.

2008-06-03T03:31:00.002+08:00

Of recent, My mum and my Dad were arguing each other in the living room.
Naturally, I felt crippled by fear because of certain memories in the past.
Made me feel helpless, guilty and shaken...
Feelings that I haven't experience for exactly 3 years.
Mummy ,out of irrational anger, said some stuffs that made me really upset.
Well, it spark off forgotten memories and unrelieved feelings.
Back to the time, when I was sec 3.
Wanted to end my life unnaturally then or was literally waiting to die.
Because I used to be the reason that my parents fought.

Due to my reluctance to live out a normal life then,
well, I watch them argue and fight every single morning just to get me to school.
My dad would ask my mum to leave me alone because he cares for me and my mum would drag me out of my bed because she love me enough to want me to get on with life.
And all I wanna is to be left alone to rot.

My mum reminded me of something she said once when the fight was the worst.
All of a sudden, memories just flooded in.
Really negative emotions too...
I remembered why I wanted to climb onto the ledge then.
I felt that I was a burden and a problem to my family.
That if I had not exist, a lot of problems wouldn't exist.

I had long forgotten those feelings till recently.
I thank God for reminding me of it because I can see His blessings in my life and I need to totally forgive so that I can get rid of those chains that have bound me.

Never enjoyed the tranquility of the night or observe the activties of the night till recently.
Cos I am no longer preoccupied with other thoughts.
I know that God has a purpose for me =)

2008-06-01T00:19:00.002+08:00

I got all emo over pictures of HANDWRITTING!
I can't believe it.

I guess,
Some where deep inside me, I still miss you very much.
I think that it's unnatural that I can miss someone that much.
But I guess there are exceptions.

So many things happened recently that always reminds me of you.
Can't help it, because the situation is just too similar.
Then it reminds me of you.
Well, they were very different from you but the circumstances made me think of you.

In fact,
I wanted to send you a letter, thanking you for all you've done.
Just didn't have the courage to.
I know I shouldn't dwell too much in the past.
Just cant forget the fact I owe you a lot.

I remember there was once you helped me,
and I walked away from you without a single word.
never did apologise for throwing temper at you.

I remember that you once stay up to do a gift for me,
The only one actually and it sits on my table everyday,
since you gave it to me for my 16th birthday.

Should have told you then,
I wasn't worth the time and effort.
Even though I betrayed your trust, you helped me onto the road of recovery.

I want to find a chance to apologise and thank you properly.
For your time and all your effort.

2008-05-06T23:11:00.002+08:00

Quiz from dear ROU ROU

1.At what age do you wish to get married?
>>>Never gave a thought to it. I think when the time is right?

2.Who is more important to you? Friends or boyfriends?
>>>Friends lah! Has always been friends =)

3.Who is the person you trust most?
>>> person? I think it might be my sister or Zhengong.

4.Do you think you have enough confidence?
>>>Seriously depends on what. On the whole, I think not really.

5.If you can have a dream that will come true, what will it be?
>>> I think I want everyone around me to be happy.

6.Do you believe in seeing a rainbow after the rain?
>>> Yes.

7.What is your goal for this year?
>>> To move on.

8.Do you believe in eternal love?
>>> Between two individual? Nope. I believe that only god's love is eternal.

9.Have you broken someone's heart that he/she had commited suicide?
>>> Don't think so.

10. What feeling do you love most?
>>> Peace.

11.What is the requirement that you wish from your other half?
>>> He must love god and follow His ways.

12.What feeling do you hate most?
>>> Despair and hopelessness

13.Do you cherish every single friendship?
>>> Yeah.

14.Any gulity pleasure?
>>> Eh.... love chocolate?

15.What do you think is the most important thing in your life?
>>>God, family and friends.

16. Who do you think cares for you the most?
>>> Honestly, I think it's God. My parents too.

17.How was your life till now?
>>> Managable

18.What have you regretted doing in your whole life?
>>> Lots actually. I guess one of them is not being able to keep most of my friends who really mattered and telling the truth.

19.What would you do when you feel that no one cares for you?
>>> Live with it?

20.What is your definition of happiness?
>>> To be able to love.

Want to play along with my friend so here it is.

2008-04-27T22:29:00.002+08:00

Had a great day today.

For once, I verbalised that fear.
It didn't sound that stupid after all...
He was waiting for me to say that...

She got the rest of my fears though.

I want to fear god, not things from this world.
I realised that I had such a myopic view of God and I didn't appreciate Him as much as I should.
My fear of being the recieving end of His wrath made the sacrifice of Jesus Christ even more endearing.
He could always leave us to die or punish us , but He didn't.
He paid our debts with his blood on the cross.
We can't even tarry in His holy presence if Jesus didn't pay the debt for us because we are all sinners and He, the holy one, cannot stand sin.

It's just amazing beyond words

2008-04-23T22:34:00.002+08:00

What happens if a doctor tells you that you've got only three months to live?
How would you react?

Someone asked me this question recently and I was quite baffled by it.
Well, I always thought I had an answer to this question till recently.
I couldn't really answer the person.

As for the person who asked me the question,
he thank the doctor and was glad about it.
It'snt that he found life too stressful or despairing to live on,
but he felt that he was going home.
Home to where our perfect Father is.

Then I was baffled by my lack of reply.
I thought I would say that I would be glad because I wouldn't have to continue living.
But, the thing is , I want to continue living now.
I want to see all the things that God has promised me.
It's not as if life 's a bed of roses compared to the past,
it isn't.
The thing that has changed is that I do see hope.
No longer comparing which deep pit was better, but really excited to see what will happen.

Well, that's all. folks.
By the way, Kyou Kara Maou is super super super nice.
All those bored pplz out there reading my blog =P , go youtube and watch it.
it's Kyou Kara Maou.

2008-04-21T21:21:00.002+08:00

It's a really odd day.
I think I went super and overly high, because I even call Edelyn "Bestie."
Not that she isn't a good friend of mine.
But I call someone "bestie" leh!
It's just weird.

EL drama night was traumatising.
Esp...

Sat down there,
recalled about everything someone said to me.
I...
Couldn't face someone so I walked off to join those party goers
Never thought how comforting being in crowds were.

The lights, the sounds, the people, the life.
It was stark contrast to what I experience in the SRT.

Choir concert was okay, I guess.
Had a junkie party.

Oh well.
today was a strange day.
I didn't know how to react.

2008-04-06T22:24:00.002+08:00

I am recently hooked onto writting stories for fanfiction. Kinda heartening to know that people do enjoy what I write though I am not that good with writing.
It's so funny that people don't review my chapters but add me to author or story alert.

My blues haven't fade away yet.
I am really happy that I have friends who really care, like rou rou and banquet.
Really made my day.
They always do.
Recalled about last year, they seem to always chase away the blues, together with sie fen.
I can be who I am.
Be absolutely nuts and enjoy each other's company.

I remembered when I first met that friend this year , I was so ecstatic, I even told rou rou about it.
Yeah, I was so happy then because at least after they have left school, there is someone I can be comfortable with.
Hmm.

Just looking forward to the next meeting.
Hahax.. must think of something to owe them so that we can have subsequent meetings =P

I didn't go to church today.
Didn't want to.
Don't feel like wearing a mask today.

Found it ironic.
My parent are the people who discourages me from going to church yet they are the people who criticise when I don't.
Mind boggling.

2008-04-05T23:54:00.002+08:00

I realised that there is nothing else to do but to remain angry with you because when I don't, I will miss you and it will hurt.
I didn't know anything.
Didn't know that they were angry.

Wanted to tell you that it came as a shock to me.
I thought they understood so I thought I need not do so.
I really thought so..
I really didn't know.

I thought they just didn't like me, never had questioned why.
Perhaps...
What could I do even if I knew?
My actions betrayed cool logic.
But is love really logical?
If you must harm someone, would you choose that someone to be yourself or someone you love?
I just chose not to harm others.
You can judge me all you want with your myopic outlook of life.
I am as satisfied as you are that we have nothing to do with each other.
Just don't take away anything from me with your judgement.

Just don't take that.
It means something to me.
It really means something to me.

Logic would tell you that my actions proved that I was lying.
Then that same logic would even tell you that an arrogant person would not victimised oneself because it would diminish others perspection of one's invulnerability.
I am proud, so proud till I could not apologise to you without appearing angry,
so proud till people could even comment that I was angry with you even though I was about to apologise, so proud till I was lack of sincerity.

One day, if you ever seen this post,
I want to thank you for opening my eyes to everything.
I thank you for my grades because I will work even harder to forget everything again.

I want to dull myself with work in school.
Because being angry needs a lot of effort.
And it's harmful to my health and studies.
Good luck to you too and I will always keep you in prayer.

When I told you I cared for you three times,
it meant that I trusted you,
that you are not another pawn I used,
that you mean alot to me.
At least, still at this point of time.

2008-04-02T22:42:00.002+08:00

I kinda feeling emo-ish today because of my "excellent" results and of course because of school.

My brain has been quite clear recently since I am constantly taking medication.
No nagging pain until I am off the medication, which is good because I want to concetrate on my work.

I cannot let my health be the reason I under-perform again.

I feel so damn bloody irriated by myself.
Didn't want to wake up from the dream because I don't wanna come back to reality.
Yeah, don't wanna wake up because it might be the last time we will crap with each other.
Or the last time we will sing together.
The last hug.

I am tired.
Let me run away from life and hide in my refuge.

The last of Block Test and Santification week

2008-03-28T00:06:00.003+08:00

YIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPEEEEEEE!!!!

I had my last block test paper today =)
I thought that generally speaking, it was quite okay.

Running on less than 2 hours of sleep for each examination,
it's really a wonder that I did not fall asleep during my paper.
However, I nearly did today but I managed to endure it through =)

Well, I sound like some serious mugger losing sleep due to preparing for examinations.
I did not, just some side-effects from falling ill prior to my exams and having an irriating brother.

ARCADE and GAMES , HOW I MISS YOU!!!
hahax.. I miss playing drummania.
I wonder how did I survive without you =)

-Santification week-

It was fantastic!
I had a vision that He promised I will see His hand in.
He had further define the meaning of full healing.
I don't know if I am ready to walk back in and watch the whole thing unfold before my eyes,
but it beats better than speculating.
I need to take that step or I will never be free from the clasp of Fear.

Can't wait how things would develop =)

The last

2008-03-09T19:45:00.002+08:00

I am not going to let it rob me of anything.
As much as it has formed the present me,
It's time I embrace the true meaning of rebirth.

The old self had died on the sunday after santification week.
No fears , no sense of pride , no sense of self consciousness will hold me from experiencing the fullness of the spirit.
I am going to take the journey to relearn everything I have learnt and I have started on it.

I learnt to trust more fully in the begining of the year.
It's time I learn to forgive, forget and rely.

Anyway,on last thursday, I had a kick-assed day.
I was tramatised by this lit piece.
When Ms Kwok read the piece, familiar thoughts and feelings started assaulting me.
The harsh change from innocence to .... was so vivid.
I remembered my own.
The very first.
My brain shut down immediately.
The playwright could put the feelings I could not explain into words.
It made me understand how I felt then.
The playwright help me untangle the mess of emotions that flooded me.
And now they don't seem so daunting.

I really thank Lord.
Because I have found my village.

Future

2008-03-03T20:58:00.002+08:00

"You should have been proud not shameful."

With a sympathetic smile on her face, she looks at the battered, teary girl in front of her ,"
I have been through what you are going through now, I had lied and manipulated before I got on the journey of healing but I did."
She exhibit confidence, freedom and joy.

I learn about a lot of stuffs.
I felt gulity and upset.
As observant and smart I thought I was, I failed to notice her wrath.
It upsets me.
I would not have tried to show my concern for you if I knew you were angry.
I would have done something if I knew.
Thank you lord.
Letting me know of my mistakes and my follies.

2008-02-26T13:50:00.004+08:00

"Hold on by Good Charlotte"
http://www.youtube.com/v/oOoty9z_rCk
Should try to watch it.
I guess because I was once in that predicament in which I had to make a choice.
At that point of time, nothing seem to be worth waiting for .
I had a warped sense of logic.
Well, most people chose to suicide because they are egocentric but I wanted to because I thought it would be better off for everyone.

At those moments, when I stood there and felt the gush of the cold night wind,
I could taste freedom.
The sweetness of it piercing through that thick cloud of hopelessness and despair but I realised something.
I could not bear leaving the people I called "friends" or be ready to see what lies after that step.

The song reminded me of all those memories.
Somehow, I realised that in that wretched past,
I was waiting for someone to tell me to hold on .

Yeah, life is a pile of trash sometimes, but when you reach to the depth of it, it could only improve and not spiral down.

What are peaks when you don't have trenches?

2008-02-21T17:55:00.002+08:00

As He walks with me
And He talks to me
He tells me I am His own.
The joy we share
as we tarry there
none other has ever known

"Sam, You are so beautiful. I love you."
I broke down and wept.
He knows how sinful and ugly I am yet he loves me and said that I was beautiful.
What can I do but feel touched that You love me for who I am.
I don't deserve your mercy or your love.

You brought me out of the darkness and let me feel the warmth of Your light.
You require no offering or sacrifice
just my humble heart

I learn to love because You have first loved me.
You call me your own.
Blessed me overwelmingly.
You gave me strength as I keep your ways.
And hide me under Your wings when things become too harsh.

Your light is my strength and comfort when all else fades.
I praise you Lord, Kings of Kings even during this period when I am broken.
Thank you lord
For saving me.

Lord,
Thank you for being there for me at every single moment of my life

2008-02-16T23:59:00.004+08:00

Enrique Iglesias
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH........Isn't he hot?
I fell in love with his spanish song "Dimelo" or Don't you know.
I think he sounds fantastic when he sings in his native tongue rather than English.
Seriously think that I fall in love with his songs!

Anyway, recently when to de-stress by playing drummania.
I finally got a S for Libra (extreme) and As for Dakienkai(advance) and Sailing day(advance).
Too bad i didn't get SS (straight Ss) or I would have been able to play an extra stage.
I finally managed to play the straight constant beats.
I am usually bad at it because I will get spasm from playing.

Yeah, I once seen a pro on the machine.
He got SS and he managed to play the encore stage which means he played the normal 4 songs plus the extra stage, then the encore stage. He got SS throughout and he was playing songs like madblast (extreme) Toccata(extreme) Agnus Dei (Extreme). The toughest songs you can imagine playing on drummania and he got S!
He was so impressive!

Felt that peace in my heart finally.
Maybe because it's the end of the week and I don't have to face my problems therefore I can finally feel at rest.

2008-02-13T18:52:00.002+08:00

Things have been really crazy for me for the past two weeks.
I have been engaging in many long , metally, physically,emotionally draining battles.

It's just re-living my past now.
The intense pain from my back consuming my mind , the frequent bouts of headaches that accompanies it, the loss of something dear, the lack of the ability to think coherently, the confusion and the emotional pain , the dreaded nightmares.
Yes, it really parallels the past.
It mirrors the past except for a few things.
One , I have faith that I will pull throught it and will make it in time for the block test. Two, I have not done anything that warrants me to feel bad. Three, God is here for me. Four, my family is quite stable.

I still think that friendship is a gift though it is really hurting me.
An irony but yes, I do believe.
I had never trusted people or cared for people easily because I am so super paranoid.
Yet I did.
What did I recieved in return?
Betrayal in the form I had once swore not to allow anyone do it.
What you did was what I had always strived to prevent.
To use something that is really me and hurt me.
You were everything I was living to protect myself from.
Damn it.
I can't believe that I damn still trust you.
Because I have forgiven you.

I hate such situations when I realised that I have to re-learn things.
I don't have much faith in people for a start,
I really don't know how long could I last.

Do this friendship mean so much to me?

2008-01-27T23:11:00.000+08:00

"Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love
like You have love me

I totally like this stanza of the song "Hosanna" by Hillsongs.
Only He can show it to me and teach me how to love again.

I had a crippling sense of inferiority this week, coupled with guilt, it exploded right at my face.
Yeah, it became cold and freezing inside.
My friend's anger affirmed it and things really started to spiral down for a while.

It's kinda super irritating.
I am like feeling super freakishly emo because I feel like a scum, a piece of trash and etc etc
The feelings are mostly induced because I refused to let go of my past.
It makes me feel so...

To make matters worse, my mind was hindered by pain and constant headaches.

Anyway, I really want to praise Lord.
Because all I need is You.

Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am for Your Kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into Eternity"

2008-01-07T22:09:00.000+08:00

School has been fine ever since I realised it was better to let go.
I have set my priorities right, what is more important now is that I don't fret over other mundane stuffs like school but really channel all my energy on God, A levels and my family.
Well, the year of Sabbath don't really mean much to me since I didn't really engage in many spiritual battles last year but I look forward to enjoy the intimacy between the Lord and me.
Someone asked ,"Would you still follow Him if everyone around you turn their backs on Him?"
The first answer that came into my mind was Yes, I would. He is so real in my life that I will never turn my back on Him again.He planned so many things that I don't understand in my life, put me through the trial but has never forsaken me even though I had never accepted Him as my Lord and savior then.
Lord wanted to mend the relations in my family but He knew I could not bring the dark out to the light so He gave me people to help me do so and gave me physical friends to help me through this period.
I finally realise His ways are higher than our. He has a purpose for everything he puts us through in life but we may not understand His intentions. So just put your trust in Him because He has only plans to prosper you and not to harm you.
Yeah yeah..
Thats' all.

2008-01-02T21:29:00.000+08:00

It's the second day of the new year yet I havent set my goals for this year.

I shall wrapped up my 2007 first.
2007 ended with a bang as I celebrated my first new year with my cell group.
They were super sporty =)
Super super nice la ... hahax.

How was 2007 for me?
I met a lot of fantastic people.. there's my cell, my first three month class, og 3 , my guzheng seniors..
and most importantly.. I met god =)
I wouldn't say I had changed a lot but I now start to live my life a little different from how I used to live.
For one thing, I learn to trust , I learn to hope and I learn to rely.

Finally the goal that I had set for many years had been achieved.
I am stepping on the path of recovery.
I pass my promos.

Praise god that I managed to achieved all my goals.

Well.. there were the downs.
I think things will be even better this year =)
Thats' all fo 2007

Anyway

I had a Deja vu many years back and well..
it was abt the countdown party.
Thru the revelation that I had this dream many years ago made me realise that god planned everything.
Two years ago, I would never had believing in god and I would have never take an art combi
I thought it was my reckless decision to change to take an all art comb cos I am realli very sci person.
it turn out that god had planned it =)
If I had went to the science stream.. I wouldnt have meet my friend and I would not have accept christ or be at the countdown party..
It's a relief to know this =)

2007-12-19T22:37:00.000+08:00

Seeing her in the advertisement for Te Xie, reminded me that Guzheng has more than them.
However, I don't think I see a need to attend.
I think in the past I probably be dying to see them but I guess there isnt a need le.
What can we even say to each other?
Since Zhengong not going then I shall not go too.
I do hope they post pictures =)

Three years have past le.
I don't even remember what they look like le or what kind of person they are.
I found that I was wallowing in self-pity that I cannot remember who they really were.
Maybe at one point of time, we were really good friends=)

Every single time I play my guzheng,
I remember how you used to coach me along in class with that stern look.
I remember the very first song I passed without failing.
Cai ca pu die
I could not play guzheng today if there wasn't a you.
You know it, don't you?

2007-12-07T01:32:00.000+08:00

I tried to brain wash my daddy to allow me to learn how to ride a motorcycle.
Guess what the answer was?
No =(
He rather let me learn how to drive.

Well, I spending almost all my time at home.
Cos it's kinda irritaing to go out these few days.
There are always so much people.
When there is people, there is too much noise and this cause my ears to hurt like lots.
It will be accompanied with numb jaws, bouts of giddyness and deafness.
So irritating la.
So might as well stay at home and read comics or play computer games.
Well, I think I shall see a doctor when my nose starts bleeding constantly,
until that day, I am so not gonna do that.

It is very painful and irritating to be put through a hearing test.
Well, they will put you in this tiny cubicle and place headphones on you.
and the silence of the cubicle is so loud till it is very painful on your ear.( I think it's air pressure)
Then you have to hear sirens and beeps of different frequency.
Um..it's really very painful on the ear la in short.

Anyway, Que sera la.
Why must all the important outings squeeze in a day?

In His embrace

2007-12-04T00:49:00.000+08:00

I guess I just needed to hear the words from someone.I don't need people's pity and I don't want their everything-gonna-be-fine. Well, I don't need their I'm-sorry-to-hear-that either. And only You understand how I feel and only You love me for who I am.
Re-encountering that love I forgot, re-realising that He is the greatest friend I ever had, I feel that inexpressible joy bursting out of me.
And only He can make me feel this way=)
Only Him.

Well, besides still being sick, I guess I haven't done much this week.
But I have watched my life went in a flash.
I remembered things that I forgot like how much I used to desire for someone to understand, how much I wish to feel something, and how I used to crave to feel secure and loved.
I felt really shameful and regretful about what I used to do in the past.

My quest led me to find Him.
He's all that I need =)

I can't thank Him for giving me this circumstance or even for living yet.
But one day, I really want to thank Him for it.
Yeah, one day.

2007-12-01T17:44:00.000+08:00

Of all times I have to fall ill, I missed attending a gathering of 0737, my good friend's birthday party and other stuffs.
Aww.. I really miss them very much leh.
Especially my first three month class.. I really miss them very very very very much.
I know that we will have a chance to meet each other again =)
Anyway, My daddy finally get to know about it!
Yeah, he finally gets to know that I am now attending church
=)
Hehe, my grandparents were passing me Bibles that day.
Now, I got quite a collection of it.
Most of them are my great grandma's Bibles.
There was one ancient Bible that was passed down from my great great grandfather to my grandfather , then to my mother and finally me.
It is about a 150 years in age and the pages are falling off.
Yeah, so old right?
It's a family tradition to write the date they receive the Bible,
thus we could tell its age.
The rest is about 50 years in age or older?
cos most of them belong to my great grandma.
Then my mother got back her very first Bible, the bible she used for her bible studies.
So well, we were flipping through the Bible eagerly because there were alot of stuffs in between them and they were well preserved.
Most of my family had back slided since after the death of my great grandma.
By the way, my family is made up of mostly of believers.
My great grandma was one of them.
She spends almost all her time in her later years with the Lord.
Read all her bible, praise the lord and enjoy life to the max every single day.
Anyway, she passed on to the next world peacefully when she was reading her bible many years before I was born.
It was this strong faith that kept my mum's family together.
Well, the rest is history.

Sometimes, I feel that choosing to follow Him is a task because of all the expectations.
Sometimes, I feel as if I like trying my best to be, but I cant.

I cant hear Him anymore.
I don't feel His presence when I worship or read the bible.
Sometimes, I find it quite tough to be born in a family with pre-believers and used to be believers.
Well..I know everything will be fine.
cos Lord has shown me that everything on earth will end one day.
Nothing last forever=)

2007-11-23T22:34:00.000+08:00

Siefen+Rou Rou+ Banquet =Fun

First, I want to thank the Lord for everything, first for giving me such excellent buddies like Rou Rou, Banquet and Siefen, they never fail to make my day =), next, for giving me what I asked for.

I dated the three of them like at least a month ago to clear their calender so that they will be available to go out together and yes, I think we enjoyed ourselves =)
Makan, play arcade and shop.
I serious think i need to exercise after eating all the cheese that Sie fen POURED on my pasta. Usually, we PEPPER cheese on our pasta, right? Sie fen opened the pepper cover and POURED cheese on my pasta. HAHAX. I like cheese la, but she pour until like it's free.
I did the same back to her =)
No, I am not revengeful, she likes cheese as much as I do.
Remind me of the last time we ate pastamania with my og.
HAHAX.
Anyway, I successfully pulled banquet and Rou rou to arcade today.
Dear Rou Rou beat me at the mario racing.
HAHAX.
Her booby trap caught me the exact moment before I touched the finishing line , trapping me momentarily. At that precise moment I was waiting for my vechicle to move, she had already cross the finishing line.
Fantastic ah?
Just after that game, Rou Rou was very puzzled.
"why u so guai ah, never subo pplz?"
Well,my button was just not working.
If it was, I will subo both of them like mad.
Maybe I will even stop just to subo.
HAHAX.
Anyway, Rou rou won two games in a row.
Beat Banquet first, then both of us.
Both of them can really play this game lor.
Realli Pei fu.
It was banquet first try at racing games and rou rou's third.
Then we went to play percussion masters.
It was kind of funny.
Banquet took the blue drum with TWO drum sticks
Rou Rou hit the middle drum with onli one, so her arm was aching.
I took the red one.
SO yeah, three people playing three drums =)
But it was fun=)

I really enjoyed myself, thank you =)

When god ran

2007-11-12T22:47:00.000+08:00

And then He ran to me,
He took me in His arms Held my head to His chest,
said “My son’s come home again”
Lifted my face, wiped the tears from my eyes
With forgiveness in His voice He said,“Son do you know I still love you?”
He caught me by surprise as
He brought me to my knees When God ran – I saw Him run to me

I cried for the longest and hardest ever when I hear this song for the first time or read the parable of the Father and the son in Luke.
Because all I was searching for was this.
A love.

He told me that I was worthy of His love.
That what is over is over.
As long as I had decide to come home,
Everything would be forgiven.
That I could start fresh and clean.

At that point of time, I really felt warm and secure.
I let everything out.
I cried until my poor friend 's shirt was very wet that first time.
HAHAX.
Think it must be very disgusting for the others after =)

Anyway, I want to follow Him with my heart and soul.
Yes.
That's the reason why I want to blog, just in case that one day when I back slided and look back, I will recall why I had made that decision.
Because as unworthy humans are of His love due to our sins, all the more we should follow Him.
Know it sound really um...
But Jesus died on the cross to cleanse our sins.
God send him to do so that we can be reconciliated with Him.
If He loves us so much,
imagine how much He loves His son, Jesus.
Then imagine how he felt when He had to turn away from Jesus's cries.
For us
For me.
He don't need us humans, but He chose to do that for us.

I can't imagine.
Can you?

I will follow Him.

2007-11-09T13:31:00.000+08:00

Honour your parents.
Be obedient to them.

I feel very relieved and relaxed.
Abit OVERLY relaxed since I haven't start packing my stuffs!

DAMN you brother!
hahax...
It's all his fault that I have to pay extra attention.
Though it may be a good thing becasue I got three days of MC!
hehe =D
I wont be so bored without school because I can learnt about Econs from my brother.
I am now on Balance of payment.

2007-11-03T22:46:00.001+08:00

I am so tired.
I tried to take an afternoon nap, but I didn't get the sleep I needed.
Encounter's next week.

2007-11-02T22:31:00.000+08:00

I don't find a need anymore to do so.
Yeah.

2007-11-01T16:44:00.001+08:00

Looking forward to when everything ends.
That's when all hell break loose.
Um..
I mean that is when I am going to have a bit of fun =P
a BIT of fun.
I will remember to focus on studying too.
After I have sleep and play enough.

In another two day and he will be back!
SO FAST!!!
Bu zhi bu jue, a full month has passed.

I seriously need NEW GAMES!!!
I am so bored.
Maybe, I shall download my old games like Worms.
Provided that good old Vista is compatible with my dear Worms.
Vista is like not compatible with a lot of things.

I need new gamesI need new gamesI need new games I need new gamesI need new gamesI need new games I need new gamesI need new gamesI need new games I need new gamesI need new gamesI need new games I need new gamesI need new gamesI need new games I need new gamesI need new gamesI need new games I need new gamesI need new games

Or a brand new interest.
I shall go back to play chess.
I havent beat that irritating computer!

2007-10-29T19:04:00.000+08:00

Suppose to be doing some pw stuffs..
A lot has been on my mind of late,
nothing really significant though.

As November approaches,
I am sort of feeling satisfied.
At around this time, I would start questioning myself of the things that I have did or if I had managed to overcome certain issues in life.
Year after year, I feel abit despondent that I haven't really done much with my life.
I don't see a reason to then.
For the first time, I really feel that I am making progress with something.
Because god is at work in me!
hahax.

For some strange reason, I am reminded of what someone said.
YES, I am in W.I. P too..

Another thing, I am so happy for one of my friend!
She is gonna take an examination to attempt to go in NA and yeah =)
Not that NT is bad, it's good that she wants to learn more.
=0)

2007-10-24T00:05:00.000+08:00

That's twice in two days and on the same bus at around the same time.

I just can't help it.
It just came thundering down at me, to know that well..
We aint very close friends
but I still cannot imagine how it would be like..

As much as I don't feel comfortable being with the class, I still appreciate it in a very odd way.
Whenever I look at the class, it reminded me of miracles.
They are rather different people, yet to a certain extent they can interact well.
At least that is how it appears to be.
I know I cannot belong in here, but well, it's just a pleasure to watch them.

Maybe one day, I will change my opinion of the class.
Would I even blog about them next year at this period of time?
Life's so uncertain, no one can say if you are going to see the next sunset,
much less say that you would still be with the class till the end of next year.

Anyway, during church last Sunday, I suddenly thought of something.
How does leaders get to wield so much power? This is in reference to Stalin and Hitler.
This is simple. They work like how religion does.
Human worship the thing they fear and they need faith to live.
Faith.
Human put their faith in anything they feel that they should believe in.
Yea.
Sometimes, I shouldn't think too much.

Lord, thank you for giving me such fabulous results.
That's the first Victory in Your name.

I shall claim victory in Your name =)

Things will be much better tomorrow.

OSIM!

2007-10-22T20:43:00.000+08:00

I had the OSIM!(Oh Shit It's Monday!) syndrome today.
Even though after what I learn yesterday, I still don't feel like stepping out from my own world to enter one that has no place for me.
I must have faith right?
Because if he wants to put me through this there must be a reason for it.
I know I am not the only one who feels that way.
I guess JC life is kind of depressing.
But Lord has told me to move on with my freaking life and stop looking back,
So I must do my best and have no regrets.
The only way to remain in Him is to obey Him.
Yeah, so I will.
I think.
Well..
I will just have to work on it.
Just right after I finish writting this post, I was readin this verse by accident.
1John5:3-4

2007-10-17T22:57:00.000+08:00

What are my big rocks?

I must focus on the tasks at hand.
Yeah.
I thought most of the things happens at night.
It seriously took me by surprise when i realised that it could happen anytime.
Make sense, though.
Ask my mum about it since she is quite knowledgeable in this field,
she says it's nth to worry abt.
So i shldnt.

It's different now.
I know that it will not last forever.
I really think I need to really face up to it if I really want to move on.
I dont want to live in the past.
I don't want to use that stupid excuse when i don't perform as well as I shld.

God, family and studies

2007-10-15T23:27:00.000+08:00

It's just weird to be attending a family gathering.
I rather be at home playing computer game.
hmmmm....
Haix..school tml.

2007-10-12T22:53:00.000+08:00

I am very contented with my results.
That's the first area I have conquered in Your name,Lord.
I am so going to pull through the second one.
I want to give praises to You this week for it.

2007-10-09T15:16:00.000+08:00

Do I have to do it?

I spend my time just getting pissed lah, so I guess it is time I move on to some other things to de-stress myself.
Yeah, it has been a quite confusing week.
haix...

2007-09-24T23:17:00.000+08:00

I had a chat with my dear mentor.She is just so nice and so inspiring =)
Hehe. I really look forward to meeting her this december =)
Well, there are others that I want to meet too.
Hehe.

I had the weirdest dream recently.
Whatever it is, I really hope he is doing fine.
Yes. I really hope so.
I really hope I can see him again.
After all we were such close friends =)

One more week and I can go to church le!
YAY!
How time flies.

2007-09-22T16:43:00.000+08:00

I am extremely thankful to Lord for letting me meet a great number of wonderful people.I managed to build strong bonds with people who I really should cherish, like my family and I can identify who should I spend my time with.

Of course not with people who calls you his/her friend, then exclaims what an impossible, attention-seeking, weirdo to others, but with people who honestly care.

Like duh.

Of course not with people who believe whatever nonsense others are sprouting without checking it's credibility, but with people whose lives are guided by Lord's teaching.
And of course not with people who dislikes me because of I am um.. me?
Yeah. Like duh right?

I am so not going to weep and mourn over people who do not worth it, but I will continue to include them into my prayer and pray for their well-being=D

2007-09-17T19:29:00.000+08:00

I am drenched with a dose of cold hard truth.
Things appear to be clearer.
Should I rejoice?
I really don't know how to accept the truth.
How to?
To learn that ...
To know that I probably would start seeing some individuals in a different light.
I thought we were different, but it turn out to be that it isn't true.
Sometimes, I wish I could be someone else but me.
Someone else but not me.

2007-09-16T21:44:00.000+08:00

It has been more than a home.

Ironic that home used to mean hell, my friend's home heaven and school , the thing that sits between them.
There isn't any flames here, but I don't find comfort within these four walls.
Just dark memories luking behind every single one of them.

I think that is why I chose to paint it in orange.

The conflict between reality and appearance

2007-09-14T09:37:00.000+08:00

Truth really hurts. It really does, just like the policy of Glasnost caused the eventual collaspe of the Soviet Union and communism.
I finally had to be forced to see the truth. I wish I could just pretend it did not happen, but I cannot go on deluding myself.
I think sometimes that I am thanking god for the wrong things.
At least I did learn something, I learn to cherish the people I OUGHT to cherish and forgive people who didn't ask for it.
I will shed that irrational gulity that once weighed me down.
Good bye.

2007-09-05T23:23:00.000+08:00

It's frustrating to know that.
I don't know why it hurt so much when I knew that.
Just kuku old me.
Who the hell am I kidding.

2007-09-04T18:54:00.000+08:00

I think I am just that sort of person who cant stay at home because I will get all frustrated and angry for no reason.GRRRR...
Yeah. Stupid sims 2 is down and oblivion is missing. guess what, everytime when you need something, that something must be not working! After all my sims2 disc is over the waranty period, it spoils and that irritates me. To add on, it has to be the main original disc, The Sims2.
@#$%^^&**(^%## Damn costly to buy and replace la!
GRR..... I am so FRUSTRATED!
HAIZ. I feel like studying in school because I don't feel like staying at home to study, but well, I cant study alone in school ,can I?
@$%^*@$%^&*
What the hell am I doing with my time!? I got freaking history, economics and lit and maths to do!
Promos is less than a month away.
GRRR...
I dont bleat anymore, I bite.

2007-09-02T21:41:00.000+08:00

I never felt so good for a really long time. Yeah, I am so gonna stop sometimes, in my hectic lifestyle and tune in the the frequency of Lord.
The yellow ribbon walk was like a walk.We walk like 3.5 km in the sun and chat.The history people disappeared totally, I only managed to see Edelyn at the end of everything and Parri at the start of the walk.
Just a few moments ago, I was reminded of the monologue that Sir Ian did when he came to Nanyang. The one about the king sending the lawyer to speak to the mob that it is against the rule to mob. The people of London had started this riot because of the "strangers" on the street. They were strangers because they were just different from the mainstream. Sir Thomas aimed to appeal to their humanity in this speech.
Different from the mainstream. Is that even a crime? On what accounts can you judge them? If you have the right to judge them just because you belong to the "majority", how would you feel if you are the one being judged?
Me and my random thoughts =D
Night.

2007-08-26T20:48:00.000+08:00

On friday, one of my friend message me and asked me to go out with her on that very day itself, since I did not have Kellett's tutorial that friday, we decided to hang out at Suntec.

We played arcade and I nearly died playing it. We played DRV and para para. I learn something. My legs and brain just cannot work together,but who cares, I just had fun making a fool of myself=D

We had dinner and chat. I think it is kind of sad that I have not had such a nice chat with someone for such a long time. We are all too busy with our own life.It was just fantastic, just sitting, chatting about just about everything and laughing with each other. I think it was like more like laughing at me because I always nao chu xiao hua=D

Then we went shopping! I went to shop for Dvds. HAHAX. I bought two DVDs. I am so proud of myself ^^ I wanted to collect both movies since like long long time ago but I just could not find it and on friday, I found it! I saw a lot of good movies too, like westside story. The Westside story is an old movie, not that chinese serial moive where 5566 acted in. I didn't buy, but I bought Dragonheart ^^

Draco and the knight

I watch Dragonheart the very next day. It was damn good^^ Though I had watched it many times, it has never failed to make me cry.

In the movie, the characters talk about the idea of death. To the evil corrupted king, "Death is a form of release, not a torture." Draco embraces death yet fears it because he fears the loss of the soul.

I spend the rest of the weekend studying and cooking for the family.

2007-08-16T23:27:00.000+08:00

I think it's a wonderful, play filled with ironies. It has a fantastic ending to it. Don't believe me ? Ask the H2 history students.
I have received my essay for economics. I did quite okay, at least I didn't get another 3/25. I want to do better.
I am still thinking of ways to get to sleep tonight, another of my "fantastic mixture", I think I am going to get into trouble. How I wish that a can of beer can put me soundly to bed, but no, it doesn't have effects on me. Yeah, my face will turn like bright red, but I still cannot sleep.
Any suggestions for a good night rest?
History test was um.... I rather not talk about it.
The most weird thing happened to me in CT lesson today, shall not talk about it here.However , I was very surprised, I don't ever think such a thing would happen, but it did. I so want to share it with either Stef or Zhengong but I know they are just really too busy and too caught up in important stuffs.
Sometimes, there is just things that you just cannot find the words to share with people. It is like whenever you try to talk to them, you feel as if you are like really very free to think about all these stuffs or even look for that person in comparison to them. Sometimes, after some time, you start thinking about things you didn't have a privilege to have.
I love listening to the courtships of people's parents because I think it is really sweet. I think most of my friends who has shared about the courtship of their family have wonderfully married parents. I don't know if that is an assumption but it really feels that way.
If love don't keep a family together, what does?
Responsibility.
Sometimes, you don't need love.

2007-08-15T23:58:00.000+08:00

I just had to clean up my table today and I had to rearrange my neoprints. This is a picture taken with my hk buddies. The ones in blue are from HK.We were on this attachment programme and it was held in Xinmin Sec.

Don't look like I did much arranging did I ? Anyway, all these neoprints were taken when I was secondary 2, 3 and 4.

so were these .

Yeah, looking back I miss all those times. My tuition buddies, my "family" and a lot of other people.I can't remember how was it then, but I know that I enjoyed my secondary two year the most because of them.
My closest buddy then is still in the same jc as me, but things have changed so much since then. We have forgotten about the laughter we used to share, the jokes and the really hilarious stuffs that happened to us then. We have forgotten how was it we felt on the last day of school when we had to say good bye to our class 2E3'04. We have forgotten the times when we used to watch movies and play arcade together. All we ever remember is that we are not talking to each other.
I am not upset about anything, because I am way past that. I just feel it is kind of a waste.It is just super childish.

Porcupines in the cold.
Humans really behave just like that. I know I do. We need to be close to each other for warmth but when we run to each other, we get hurt by the each other pricks and are forced to run away from each other. When we are forced to be away from each other, we are driven by the cold to each other again.
If you ask me, I shall call it the dance of the porcupines. It has become a ritual.
I don't want to feel that way, but I cannot help it.It is through no fault of yours that I feel that way.I am just hurt by my own prick.
I realised that it is always better to be not too honest with each other in any type of relationships because instead of building rapport, it will severely damaged it. I don't tell Rourou about every single thing that is bugging me and we enjoy being together. It is only with her, Sie fen and banquet that I still see myself.I enjoy being with them because I can be me, not anyone else.
Sometimes, I just want to hide under my table and forget everything, like what I do in the past.
No mask, no need to please anyone , no hurt, just me and god.

2007-08-10T14:46:00.000+08:00

August 8
It was my first time that I had fly a kite! I helped to fly the kite. Stef and Heng Ern did most of it anyway =D It was really good. It felt as if the kite has life when it was tugging hard against your hold. We used the entire reel for flying the kite. it was really fun, okay!

Well, before that I attempted to shop about for Jasmine's birthday present at Bugis. Guess who I met while I was there, Jasmine and wanling. LOL. SO i didnt managed to buy anything for her =(
Then we headed to the Mrt station we were suppose to meet. The banking gang was late , so we had to wait for them. anyway, the stuffs they baked was great! So it was worth the wait.
Then , yeah we ate and play.
Had dinner later, it was really funny lah. The guys, ben and dom was like mixing drinks with beer lorx. We were sitted according to our names. SO i end up in the same table as Robbie , Baobao and Agnes! Damn funny lahx. To watch how both of them interact was really highly entertaining =D
I had lots of fun la =D

2007-07-31T22:38:00.000+08:00

Praise LORD!
It has been SUCH a long time since I feel so free. I forgot how it feels to cross a hurdle without falling flat on my face.The meet the parents went out far better than I can imagine.
Hehe.=D

2007-07-30T16:47:00.000+08:00

I am dreading that tomorrow will come. We usually know what to do to prevent ourselves from getting into hot soup, yet some of us had to get into trouble.
I know what I want to be, but I just cannot materialised it. It feels as if it is moving further and further away from me with each step I take.Now, I feel as if I am not good enough to be what I wanted to be.
I am trying to trust the people who is around me, which I find it a chore to do so. Most people have proven that they cannot be trusted, I hope this time it will be fine. Sometimes, I really detest the feeling of vulnerability in front of others.It is a rather novel feeling to me and I cannot help feeling paranoid about it.
I don't want to be ocd or paranoid over anything, it is really unsettling and extremely irritating. But what can I do? Just lots of questions and no answers.
Zhengong used to coaxed me in the past because I usually get overly worried for her when I confide in her.
Then again, we usually talk rubbish because half the time I don't need someone to know my pains. I just need someone to be there to talk to.I dont need anyone to help me solve my problems because they are hurdles that I have to eventually cross by myself. Secondly, if the person attempts to solve my problems, she/he will be affected by it.
Yes, I am really glad to meet all my friends.
Thank you , Lord.

2007-07-26T21:44:00.001+08:00

Is crying a crime?
I detest all the assumptions you make. I am not you.I can't understand why you punish us when we cry.
I am not as strong as you and stop making me feel gulity and worthless.
All I want is a shelter.
Where there is someone who can care for me.
Where they isnt anyone giving unconstructive and hurtful criticism.
Where I can confide without hurting or affecting the person.
Definitely not in a place I call home or school.
Anyway, July really lives up to its name of being my most depressing month.

2007-07-23T22:54:00.000+08:00

I am contented with the way things is right now.I have decided to leave most of the things to god since He planned it all for me.
It's just great being physically with them, watching them mingle and everything.Prior to this week, I was being really paranoid over a lot of stuffs, I finally got over most of them.
There is dear Stef who helps me along and Rou rou and Siefen to chase my blues away. The only thing I have to worry about is getting a jaw ache being with them =D
and there is god .
Yeah. I suddenly remembered why we should cherish our lives and the people around us as much as we can. We just should.

I will claim victory in Your name =D

2007-07-17T17:16:00.000+08:00

I guess, it's this that made me fear people most.
I seriously regretted.
Whatever lahx. Whatever that makes you guys happy.
I havent done that for a long time .
Lord knows it.
BUT IT STILL HURTS!
WHY?!